Happy Sweet 16, Tyler

"You have a son". I'll never forget those words coming from my doctor's mouth, 16 years ago. I had just labored through the night and had a pretty rough delivery. I was only 19-years-old. In that instant, the world--as I knew it--changed forever. I was no longer a child, a teenager, a person without purpose. In that moment, my life became important. 

That baby boy and I were a team and he was the most incredible beginning and end of every single day. I LOVED being his Mama. 

Life has had some crazy highs and lows for us over the past 16 years but we have survived them all together. 

I wouldn't trade life as his Mama for the world.

 

My boy is strong-willed and independent. He is bull-headed and stubborn but also sensitive, silly and fun. 

He has a sense of humor that I'm quite proud of and has achieved the art of sarcasm.

He has mastered great skills of fishing and would do it all day, every day if he could. 

He loves his Lainie and Papa most and I'm perfectly okay with that. He is his brother's best friend and worst enemy, as it usually is with brothers.

The way he looks at his baby sisters melts my heart.

 

He was Aubrey's hero and "best, biggest brother".

I know she's watching over him and helping him pull in the best fish. She's probably found him the perfect honey hole to fish, one day, in Heaven. 

My baby boy is growing up so quickly before my eyes. It is the strangest mix of pride and fear, as a Mama, to watch. I could not be more excited, for him, to reach this milestone. I'm terrified but this is what I have been preparing myself for, all these years I know that he has a good head on his shoulders and the Lord in his heart. As a Mama, it's not going to get any easier than that. 

So, here's to 16 years of amazing and many, many more!! 

I love you, 

Mama

Fly High, Grandmama

Julia "Judy" Coker was my grandmother. 

I grew up half a mile from her and my youngest daughter is her namesake. 

She was a real fireball, in the best way. Although she was a woman of few words, she wasn't afraid to speak her mind and she rarely sugar-coated things. When she spoke, you had better listen. I wish I knew sooner in life she was also hilarious. She sure kept us on the edge of our seats. 

She was a small woman, not even five feet tall. She had tiny feet but left us all huge shoes to fill. 

She was dearly loved by my grandfather for over 65 years. In that time, she raised four wonderful children. 

She buried her youngest son, my Uncle Steve, in 1996 after a tragic accident. I am all too familiar with the kind of void his death left inside her heart. 

I can only imagine the reunion at Heaven's Gates as he helped Jesus welcome her home. 

I'd like to think my Aubrey was riding on his shoulders, the way I used to do as a little girl.  I can hear her squeal as she called out for Grandmama! What a perfect day!!

As we sat in her house tonight with my Granddaddy, I almost asked "where's Grandmama?"  Just that quickly, I forgot. 

She's supposed to be here with us. I miss her. I selfishly want her back to make me laugh and be brutally honest and to watch these baby girls grow up. Then something dawned on me. Each one of us--who were blessed enough to know and love her--have a part of her inside of us. She has been planting in us her seeds of wisdom, humor, humility and love our whole lives. 

Now we all get to reap that harvest and plant them back into our loved ones. She will live on forever through us. 

One day, soon and very soon, we will all reunite at Heaven's Gate. 

What a glorious day that will be. 

Fly High, Grandmama. LOVE

 

Cost of being a woman

Soon after conception, the female baby's body begins to quickly develop. Inside that tiny being are hundreds of thousands of eggs that could one day be her own children. Very clearly, God created females to be mothers.

As children, we play "house" and care for our baby dolls. We nurture our pets and love all babies. Before our first boyfriend, we have already planed our future lives as a Mama. 

As teenagers, our bodies begin to change and go through a process designed solely to reproduce. The pain, inconvenience and even isolation starts there. 

Then, if life goes as planned, you find the perfect man and marry. Your body no longer belongs to only you. Your days are spent nurturing your spouse. Your mind is constantly planning daily activities, household chores, meals and even romance. You try to keep up your appearance to keep your husband's attention. 

You always have to be tuned into your body to avoid pregnancy before you're ready. Then, the time comes to try for a baby. So you chart, time sex, take tests and basal body temperatures and read into every little sign your body gives. 

For some it's easy. For so many others, this cycle repeats itself for months and even years to no avail. It takes every bit of romance out of a marriage. It makes you feel like less of a woman and creates a loneliness that is unexplainable. It tests your faith in yourself, your spouse and even God. 

I wouldn't wish infertility on anyone. 

For the fortunate ones, you finally become pregnant. 

Suddenly, you aren't just you...or your husband's wife...you're someone's mother. 

You're excited, scared and overwhelmed by all the information you have to learn. Every thought is about this tiny unborn baby. What you eat, how you dress, when you sleep. You're vamped up on hormones and totally out of control of your own body. You worry about how your husband feels about you in this new form. You have so many mixed emotions about how you feel about yourself. You try to imagine what life as parents will be like. You think you know how life will never be the same again. 

Towards the end of pregnancy, the excitement turns to terror. You realize there are only two ways this baby (or babies) can come and neither are fun or easy. No amount of classes, books or even friends personal experiences can prepare you for what lies ahead. While every woman's birth story is different, the feelings are all similar in ways. The fear, anxiety, pain, strength, weakness and endurance required is unexplainable. 

Regardless of the length of labor, the method of delivery or the pain endured, the moment that baby is born a peace comes over you. You are immediately bonded and you are very aware that your life has officially changed course. 

The days, weeks and months following a birth are intense. The physical recovery is horrible. Your body has just been through the unimaginable and will never go back to exactly what it was before. You're exhausted in a way you never knew possible. You're every moment is about that child and they are demanding little creatures from day one. Taking care of a baby requires all you have and then some. 

Regardless of how good of a husband/daddy you have beside you, the majority of responsibility belongs to the woman. Maybe we are simply better equipped. Maybe there isn't anyone but you there (I have been one and have the highest respect for ALL single mothers.) Sometimes a baby just prefers Mama. It's a grueling--but very rewarding-- full-time job. 

You'll face body image issues no matter your previous vanity or self-security level. You'll doubt your God-given mothering capabilities. Your marriage will be shaken and there will be resentment on BOTH sides. You'll loose yourselves in the storm that is all things baby. 

Your life is no longer your own. It is no longer your husbands. You are someone's Mama.

Having children means 

that your heart is walking around in this world outside of your body. Their joy is your joy. Their pain is your pain.  When they are injured you feel it inside your own body. It's an incredible phenomenon. 

People make jokes and talk about the way God created women, saying that they are emotional, weak, etc. Mothers are strong, multifaceted and incredible beings all-around. We climb mountains. We live a life that no one can understand or fully appreciate until or unless they themselves become a mother. 

While no one can prepare you for the pain, heartache, sacrifice and endurance required for this job, there is also no way to be prepared for the amount of love, happiness, reward and pure joy felt by doing it.

The cost of being a woman is one I'll happily pay for the rest of my life.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0L9NRVYSa5Y

Fear of Truth

I haven't written in forever. I don't have writers block, I have fear. Fear of my own honesty and its perception by anyone reading. Fear that negativity may steer some hurting bereaved parent the wrong way in their grief. Fear that too much happiness in this new chapter of my life may convince someone I've abandoned my own grief and my daughter. Fear of judgement on so many levels. 

This problem is swimming in my brain daily. I beat myself up every time I start to write. Because of this, I'm losing memories and denying myself (and maybe others) the ability to own my true emotions. 

My goal is to overcome these fears and take the plunge into TRUE, raw, brutally honest writing. It may not be eloquent. It may not be enjoyable. But, it WILL be me. 

Mother's Day 2015

This was my fourth Mother's Day without my girl. They never get any easier. The constant battle between the pure joy of being celebrated by my two sons and the pain of not having my daughter here too. Aubrey was such a good celebrator (of all things) and knew how to make everyone feel so special. 

This is my last year ever as a mother of one child in Heaven and two children on Earth. Next year, for this occasion, my two baby girls will be about 10-months-old. I cannot even begin to imagine the emotions that will exist. 

There is already this guilt that no amount of sense can override. I know my Aubrey is safe and right where God wants her to be. I know that I have not replaced her with these new babies. I am aware that He gave us these two girls just like all our other children and that they are His gift. 

But I am a woman...a Mama. 

My heart is always divided and always has been. 

Every mother knows the guilt of being stretched between or having to choose where you are and who you're with at some point. 

When your kids have ball games at the same time and you're trying to be in two places at once, it pains your heart. "What if I miss their big play?", you think. "What if they think I value their sibling more than them?" These are small examples of what all moms of multiple children go through. 

When your child is in Heaven, every day is full of these feelings. You can't let yourself get lost in the grief that your soul tells you to feel because you're afraid of what impact it will have on your living children. You don't want them to ever feel they're less important than your child that was lost too soon. 

When you're busy living life and caught up in the joy that comes from those kids, there's a nagging feeling you're forgetting about your child who isn't here. 

It's brutal, at best.

I try to constantly remind myself how lucky I am to even have this pull...this struggle. It means that I was privileged enough to be the mother of one amazing child who is no longer with us and two awesome children who still are. Somehow, God loves me enough to bless me with two more children who are on their way. 

Motherhood--of all varieties--is the most grueling, gut-wrenching, second-guessing yet amazingly rewarding position we will ever be blessed to hold. 

Respect all mothers for what they do. Be thankful for the mother God gave you and take time to show her how much she means to you. If you're unable to mother a child yourself, be a strong role model and example to others. 

The rewards are infinite. 

LOVE💜

Three Years Gone

This week marks three years since the last time I held my daughter. The last time I heard that amazing laugh, saw those big, beautiful brown eyes light up as she smiled so big and watched her fish and play all day. 

Her last bath and then the last time I ever put her to bed. The last "I love you, Mama, Goodnight"...her last words ever.

 

Three whole years. 

She has now been gone half as long as she was ever here. That gorgeous creature only walked this Earth for six short years. 

Both her life and her death have changed who we are, forever. Even knowing the tragic ending, I wouldn't trade a single day of life with Aubrey Laine. 

Now, her two baby sisters are living and growing inside of me. Her big brothers are bigger than me and growing up and maturing so fast. It all brings both the most joyous and painful feelings I've ever known.

The promise of new life is incredible and healing but there's also a fear that is ever present. It's terrifying, now knowing how truly fragile life is. I worry about the mother I now am--and will be--after all I've been through and continue to walk through everyday. Will I find the patience, stamina or anything it takes to not just raise them but to do an outstanding job? They all deserve nothing less. 

It kills me to know these little girls will never know just how incredible their big sister really was.  It's impossible to show a picture or tell a story and rightfully portray her magnificence. 

She's our past, our memory, but these girls and their brothers are our only present and future (at least this side of Heaven). 

So, the mysteries of life continue and the goal remains: live the best life we can live while wading through and overcoming our personal difficulties. We all have them. We are all human. 

Be kind and encourage one another. LOVE 💜

The Struggle

People often ask me how how I survive a life where I have outlived my child. I wonder that, myself, frequently. The honest answer is: I do somehow survive but I don't do it well....not at all. 

I cry in the shower, a LOT.  

I cry in the car, whenever I'm alone. 

I cry in bed after my husband falls asleep. 

I cry until I have to force myself to breathe. There's no relief from it. It just never feels better. 

I try to hide the hurt all day and put on my best face but it's just a mask. 

I lose my temper so much faster than I'd like. I have very little patience. I'm negative and grouchy and short...that's just where I am...and it's not fair to those I love. I hate it so much. 

This life as a bereaved mother isn't fair or easy but it's mine to live. It's the weirdest mix of miserable and happy and it's very tolling. 

However, I try to remember that I'm still here so there must be a reason. God didn't answer my prayers, when my sweet girl died, neither to take her place or to take me with her. He wanted me to be here for my boys. He knew my amazing, patient, loving husband would soon come into our life and help lighten the burden. He knew I would be having two more miracle babies and that my story wasn't finished. 

He always knew how this life would play out and I only thought I had a clue. He gives and He takes away and he LOVES us every single second of our lives...even when we are furious at Him and even though we deserve so much less. 

Life, for us all, is a struggle. We all have our stuff. Trust in God and let Him help carry you through. It won't necessarily change how long you live or what you have to go through but it will make a big difference in just how short or long it feels. 

LOVE💜