It’s not fair

 It’s not fair

 

For days, I’ve had words swimming in my head. I wanted to write a blog post today. A post to Aubrey on what would’ve been her 17th birthday. 

It would’ve told her everything that is happening in our lives. Everything   we are experiencing here, without her. Everything I see happening with the kids her age she never got to fully grow up with. So many things. 

When someone you love dies, you’re left with a whole lot of “what ifs” and “if onlys”.  All the good news is followed by the all too familiar deep sigh. The hole that person filled remains empty. The void is huge and it just doesn’t go away. 

It all seems so unfair. 

That’s what I knew I was going to write about, falling asleep

last night. When I woke up this morning, none of that was still in my head. None of my whiny, sad thoughts woke up with me. The thing that stuck out to me was “it really isn’t fair.”

It’s not fair that God choose me (us) to have Aubrey. 

It’s not fair that I got to love her so very much in her life and will forever more. 

It’s not fair that while so many struggle to have one child, I got not only her but her four siblings. 

I never deserved her. Not for a minute. 

I never deserved Jesus, God’s forgiveness, salvation or an eternity in Heaven. 

And yet, God blessed me—and all of us—with that promise. 

All we have to do is accept Him and eternal life is ours. 

It wasn’t fair for Jesus, God’s only son, to hang on that cross because WE were sinners. But He did. And they’re waiting for us to live forever with them. 

It’s okay to be sad and feel all

the big feelings. We are only human. 

I will always miss my girl. I haven’t had one single day in 11 years I haven’t deeply missed her and had multiple hard moments. But that’s because I love her so much. The happiness from having Aubrey here will always outweigh the sadness of losing her. 

Our separation is not forever. Heaven is waiting on this Mama to be with her baby. 

At the end of the day, let’s all remember why we are here. 

LOVE BIG!! Share Jesus with others. Be a light. Live life as an example that helps make Heaven crowded. Live like Aubrey Laine lived. 

I want to see you all there. 

Happy Birthday, Buggy. Soon and very soon. 💜

3,652 Days

Today marks ten years since she has been gone.

Ten years. 

An entire decade. 

It feels like it’s been just a few months but also 100 years. 

There were some very dark times in the beginning where I didn’t think it was possible to survive another day without her. I honestly didn’t even want to. 

Trying to navigate in a world without Aubrey seemed impossible. Figuring out how to balance the feelings of joy her brothers’ lives brought and the cruel pain of her death. 

Every laugh was followed with a sigh. Every fun new life moment the boys had was a reminder of all we would never see her experience. 

It was a perpetual tug-of-war. 

It still is. 

As time moved along, the gaping hole

in my heart began to change. Instead of the raw, rough edges, it softened a bit. All the love and life and people that came along attached to that hole and slowly started to fill it in a little. 

It’s still there, but, it’s now a perfectly-formed, Aubrey shaped gap. Not quite as deep and not so dangerously jagged. Nothing can fill it fully, this side of Heaven. Simply put, it’s there—inside of me—because she isn’t here, beside me. 

I will never, ever not want Aub with me. But the more time that passes, the more I can tolerate her absence. The less foreign it becomes. 

I know without a doubt where she is now and who she is with. I know that she’ll be right there in Heaven whenever it’s my time to leave this world. 

That gives me much needed peace. 

Sometimes I wonder why we get so caught up on milestone years. 

1st, 10th, 25th Birthdays, anniversaries and angel-versaries. 

Some are important celebrations of a life still being lived. They can all be as much misery-inducing as they are accomplishments of survival.  I catch myself all the time saying “I can’t believe it’s been ____ years since ____ happened”. 

But really, what does it even matter?

Every moment of every day means as much as that major year marker will. They all count. It takes 365 days to make up one year (sometimes 366). 

You have to either trudge or glide through them all. 

Every weekend had its week. 

Every year had it’s months. 

They’re all just building blocks to a lifetime. 

My child has been gone for 3,652 days. By Gods grace alone, I have survived every single one of them. Some flew by and some dragged on feeling like there was no end in sight. But I woke up and fell asleep for every one of them. Many days, I failed miserable as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend. Luckily, the next day always came so I could aim to be better. 

One day, there will be no more tomorrows. 

No more chances. 

No more YOU.  

When someone comments about how  long you’ve been gone, make sure they want to add just how much you’ve been missed. 

LOVE💜

Sweet Sixteen

Today, my Aubrey Laine would have been Sixteen. It doesn’t seem possible that sixteen years have come and gone since that magical moment she was born. 

The way time both crawls and flies by is hard to comprehend. 

Long days and fast years, I guess. 

My boys are 22 and nearly 20. The girls are 6-1/2. While their lives have flown by, too, it feels different. I suppose when you see someone age, daily, it’s not really a surprise when they do. 

Not having Aub here changes the perspective. While she would have been here celebrating birthdays and milestones, she’s celebrating the perfection of eternity in Heaven. It’s hard to really know what that means and be completely heartbroken at the same time. 

If you would have asked me, in the beginning of this walk with grief, what today would be like, I wouldn’t have believed it. I couldn’t fathom surviving 10 birthdays without Aubrey. Most days were a struggle to get out of bed. While it hasn’t been easy, God has steadily provided me with peace and strength even bigger than the pain. While some moments threatened to kill me, they all passed. Sometimes, I think I’m just a shell of who I was before. In some ways, I’m better, because I can see things in a different light. In a lot of ways, I think I’m just permanently damaged. What I know for sure is it will all be okay. 

Bottom line, this is life. My grief, my pain, my problems are small in the big picture. When you think of this short life on earth vs an eternity in Heaven, it’s just a tiny moment. 

We all have pain and struggles. We all have joy and blessings bigger than we could ever deserve. As long as we look to God for everything, we will survive. When we are down, allow Him to carry the load. When we are up, don’t forget the one who got you there. Be kind to people. No one has a perfect life. Likewise, one is too far down for God to help them back up. 

Be the very best person you can be and when you can’t, let God in. The Bible tells us, He can do all things. Not just the big ones. ALL THINGS!! Let Him all the way in and lead others to Him. We have one job in life and that’s it. 

Make Heaven crowded (but I promise….there’s enough room.)

Aubrey did that. Her entire being was full of joy, LOVE, laughter and light. Everyone that saw her saw His light. She was beyond her years in so many ways and now I know why. God created her and miraculously gave her to me. Her life had a greater purpose and I am so grateful to have had a front row seat. 

I will never pretend I don’t hurt. Grief is with me everyday. I choose to not let that consume me. I try very hard to let that hurt serve its purpose and to step just beyond the pain. I know that the greatest joy lives there. 

Happy Sweet Sixteen, Buggy. I am grateful for every second I had you here. Soon and very soon, baby. 💜

50%

 Grief is the worst. It’s demanding, irritating, ruthless.  It knows no boundaries. It butts into your life. Interrupting perfectly wonderful moments. It steals happiness, holidays, personalities and lives. 

While most days get easier and major episodes of sorrow become farther between, grief never leaves. 

Sometimes it feels like it stalks you, just waiting for the moment to take you down. 

And it does. 

It comes hard. It hits you where it really hurts. Exposing the feelings you try so hard to push down and the parts you try in vain to cover up. It rips your deepest wounds right open, exposing them to what feels like pure acid. Reality is that acid. It comes in right when you feel like youre doing okay. It exposes the façade that you’ve figured out how to navigate this life. 

It’s a reminder that you’re still gone. 

I know that they say the more you loved, the more you grieve. I believe it. 

I try to take all my love for you and wrap it around the sadness and bitterness. I try to make it cover it up so that everything concerning you is good and feels happy and light. 

But I just miss you so much. I want you here with me so badly. I’m so sorry for that pain often taking away from the eternal happiness that your life brought and your memory will always be. 

How is this the 10th Christmas without you? Where did all this time go?

I know. 

It goes by both so fast and so slow it leaves me in a state of constant whiplash. I’m exhausted. 

The highs and lows of life just keep rolling. 

I’m glad they do though. Without those highs and joys and all the love, what would this life even be?

I’m homeschooling your sisters and we’ve been working on fractions. The other day I stared at a circle that was 50% shaded in. I realized that circle is just like my heart…both 1/2 empty and 1/2 full. I sometimes feel so lost without you here, that no matter how many wonderful blessings God sends my way, my “cup” seems to top off at 50%. That has to also mean, as strong and dark as things feel, it can’t drain me more than that 50%. 

I think that’s ok. After almost a decade, I have to stop trying so hard to fight it all. The grief waves just come. Some are stronger than others. Sometimes it seems like I’ll never get back to shore. Other days, I don’t realize my toes are even wet. I guess when I look at it like that, it’s all just a day at the beach. 

You always said “even a rainy day at the beach is better than no day at the beach”, right?

Every day that passes is one closer to Heaven. There’s a constant internal battle between wanting to rush there to you as fast as possible but, somehow, also not wanting to miss a thing here. 

Your sisters aren’t even close to being babies anymore. Your brothers will soon have babies of their own. Wow…you’ll have nieces and nephews. Aunt Aub. You would have been amazing as a big sister and aunt. 

I wish more than anything you were here for it all but I also know that you are right there in Heaven. My time to be with you is coming. 

By Gods grace, we are going to be okay here. 

Soon and very soon, Buggy Girl. 

Mama LOVES you. 

Baby Boy

Today you turn 19. It’s crazy that life happened this fast. One day, you’re running around having to hold up your pants and the next you’re a giant about to be married. 

Wow. Married. In just two days you’ll be a husband. I know you’ll be a good one too. You’ve seen many failed marriages—also great examples of wonderful ones—that you already have a good idea how to do it either way. It’s a constant choice you may every day. I know with God as the head of it, you’ll do just fine. I’ve prayed your entire life for a perfect fit for your wife and I believe Lauren is just that. I couldn’t be happier for you. 

But you’ll always be my baby boy. No amount of years can change that. I look at you and still see those big (almost) black eyes and baby face staring back at me and I want to scoop you up in my arms. I can’t because my back is busted and you’re a foot taller than me...but I want to. 

I am so very proud of the man you have become. You have a huge heart and are just genuinely a good person. You’re smart and funny and kind. Stubborn as a mule but I’ve always said that would take you places in life. (I’m just glad you didn’t become a lawyer after all. You would have had some killer closing arguments though. Haha.)

Enjoy your last year as a teenager (like a 30-year-old version) and your last two days as a “single” man. Just know the real adventure starts when that ring slides on your finger. Married life is gonna be amazing and I can’t wait to see you live it well. 

I love you, baby. Always and forever. 

Mama

Fifteen

My sweet Aubrey Laine. You would be 15 today. 

You turned six the last birthday we celebrated with you, here. It makes me wonder, 9 years later, who would you be? 

You’d be beautiful. That much I know. I have to believe your beautiful heart would still match your beautiful face. 

You were as human as everyone else but you were just so inherently GOOD. 

I know that you would be just as kind and loving as you always were. You always showed that love to everyone you met. You shared the Lord and showed His LOVE and your laughter. 

That light would still shine so bright for all to see. 

Would we fight? A teenage Aub and me as her Mama...Probably. As good as you were, you were still a lot like your Mama. We would inevitably butt heads. Nine more years with your big brothers would have made you tough too. I can only imagine the spitfire you would have become. 

What I wouldn’t give to see you. 

I wonder all the time what our life would have been like if you never left. Where we would live. Where you’d be in school. Who we all would be together. 

Together...(Sigh). 

Our lives have changed so much since you’ve been gone. Your brothers are grown and about to be married. You would have sisters-in-law! What a beautiful junior bridesmaid you would have been. 

Now, you have two little sisters (I have to believe you conducted that deal personally from Heaven...laughing at me all the while.) These two are wild and fun and special in their own ways too. 

And still, I want YOU here. 

Because I miss you so much, I selfishly want you with me. But I know you’re where you are supposed to be. I know that God’s plan was always for you to be with me for the short time I had you. 

I want you here but I am glad you’re in Heaven. I’m happy you were spared from this place...this mean, dark world we are living in.

Never knowing any more hurt or pain or disappointment than you already did. Never going through your own teenage heartbreak or bullying or mean girl drama. No unforeseen evil would come your way. 

I do wish Heaven wasn’t so far away. I wish I could just pop in sometime. Maybe even a FaceTime call? I just want to see my girl. Just to be with you again. 

Every day that I survive here is one closer to you. Most of them are good and I’m grateful to be here. I know how lucky I am. I know that God has given me so much more than I could ever deserve. He continues to do that for all of us. 

I also know that I could never hurt so much, missing you this badly if I never had you to begin with. For that, I am forever grateful. I would take 1,000 years of the pain of missing you in order to have had those 6 years, 2 months and 12 days. 

What an honor to be your Mama. 

Our eternity together is coming. We will all be together again. And with Jesus! Soon and very soon, my precious girl. 

Happy Birthday, Buggy. Mama loves you. 

Five For Christmas

The last Christmas we had with Aubrey, she was five years old. 

That morning, it was just the four of us...Tyler, Caton, Aubrey and me. I remember struggling to try to get the right gifts. To make what little money I had go as far as it could so they could have a decent Christmas.

I made sure to pay attention to each one of their reactions opening their gifts. Their happiness and appreciation for what they got always amazed me. Never any complaints or taking things for granted.  

As much as I purposely soaked it all up, I wish I had done even more to somehow protect the memory. 

Who could have imagined it would be our last Christmas together?

While I treasure every Christmas—every moment—I’ve been blessed with my living children since that one, it’s not always easy. I’m human. I have stress and frustrations like anyone else. Time moves so quickly and it becomes harder to “hold on” to everyone as they grow older. 

This year is the last Christmas morning I’ll ever have with just these four children of mine. My boys will both be married next year. While I am so happy for them both, it’s bitter sweet. They’ll soon start their own family traditions and my house will be just another stop on the family Christmas train, so to speak.

Then there are Carson and Julia. My last babies. They’re five this Christmas and that takes my breath away. Knowing Aubrey was this age when we celebrated our last holiday puts things in a whole new perspective. It helps me enjoy them and all the little things even more. It also fuels the always underlying fear inside of me. 

I beg and plead with God daily to let me have these four children for the rest of my life. I selfishly want to be here and see every milestone, all the birthdays and holidays they have. Isn’t that what all parents want most of all? 

Here’s the bottom line. I know you already know this but let me remind you (and me) again. 

Today is a gift. Tomorrow isn’t promised. 

LOVE the ones God blessed you with as big you can for as long as you can. 

Have fun. Dance the dance. Sing the song. Eat the cake. Buy the shoes. Always apologize quickly and forgive even faster.  Don’t hold grudges. Be a blessing. Lead people to God. Be a better you. 

One day, it will all be just a memory. Make it the best one you can. 

Merry Christmas. Happy New Year. 

LOVE💜