Numb

There is no touch--no bond--stronger than that between a mother and her child. 

God creates cells with his or her own DNA and your partial genetics that are a completely unique individual. He places this constantly growing human being, who spends several uncomfortable but wonderful months living inside you. Your own body grows and changes to accommodate them. 

Then there comes a day with indescribable pain when your body brings forth this child. 

Everything stops and there is a joy and release unlike anything else you could ever experience. 

A new life has begun. 

From that day on a part of your heart and soul lives outside of your body and you're no longer your own person. 

When they hurt, you hurt. When they're happy, you're happy. An uncontrollable fit of tears can bring you to your knees in despair. One bout of continuous giggles fuels you for more of life to come. 

One small touch from your child...one hug, feels like it can stop time. 

Then, one day, time really does stop. That precious child, the one you lived for daily, is gone...forever. 

I've become numb. I'm a mere shell. Everything is losing it's color, it's shine, it's life. My private world is dull and muted. 

I'm aware that my heart is beating and lungs repeatedly filling with air. The days come and go. The world hasn't stopped turning but I'm not really here. 

I want to feel the thing that is impossible--the touch of my Aubrey. 

If You Dont Have Something Nice To Say Don't Say Anything At All.

I can't write. I've tried, but I just can't.
For months, now, I've jotted down random thoughts, made some notes and almost written something profound, important or inspiring. There is just nothing there that feels right. It's funny, though, because my brain is about to explode from all the thoughts and feelings I have been trying to process all this time. But, when preparing for writing...nothing comes.
Honestly, I'm afraid that whatever comes out will be dark, depressing or anything but uplifting or encouraging. I'm afraid that what flows from my fingertips will enter into your eyes and dive right into your hearts. I don't want to be responsible for spreading gloom across the world. I don't want to be anyone's reason for sadness, bitterness or anything other than good.
So, I'm not writing right now.
Thank you all who have requested more blog posts. Thank you for your support and encouragement in the past, present and every day of the future. It means the world to me. Know that, while you aren't hearing much from me, I am here...surviving and trying my hardest.