My (not-so-little-anymore) girls are about to turn five. How? I have no idea. The past five years have been a blur of wild, crazy, taxing bliss. While it feels like I have weathered 10+ years I think all these facial lines are from constant laughter and not just aging. What a pure joy these two cute, silly monsters are.
Thinking about these past five years, it hit me. Aubrey was barely six-years-old when we lost her. She was just 15 months older than the girls are now when she died. It seems impossible that is all the time we had with her...6 years, 2 months and 12 days.
What might I have done different had I known that awful day was coming? Would I have shown more love and grace? Absolutely. Had more patience? Yes! Read her more books, watched kid movies, played outside. For sure!
It’s so easy to lose track of the “little” things in every day living. Feeling frustrated and stretched thin comes with being a parent (an adult, really). We ALL take our blessings for granted. We forget how precious each breath is. Few people believe their time will end soon. No parent can fathom their child not waking up in the morning. To some degree we are all somewhat invincible.
Until the unthinkable happens.
I’d be lying if I said I don’t often live in fear. I love God and trust Him with my life but I’m human. I worry. I hover. I question.
I’ve lost a child and that has made more than a little paranoid sometimes.
Want the facts? I do not in ANY way deserve these amazing children. I don’t deserve this incredible life or my family or friends. So sometimes it seems like I’m waiting on the other shoe to drop, so to speak.
No, I don’t believe God punished me by taking Aubrey away. I don’t think I’m cursed or different than anyone else. I do know God made me and knew every moment of my life long before it occurred.
Still, I am an impossibly imperfect person (also, hello, I’ve become somewhat of a control freak) and worry I’ll lose these gifts.
Can anyone else relate?
Here is the deal. None of us can really control things. We aren’t the boss. It is ALL in God’s hands. No amount of good deeds will secure living to a ripe old age. There aren’t enough positive thoughts in this world that will ensure our children outlive us either. Our days are numbered and the plan is all His.
Really, that should be the most freeing thing ever. What a relief to be able to take our hands off the wheel and actually let Jesus navigate.
Remember this, if God allows you one day of pregnancy or 80 years with your child you are beyond blessed. If you are never able to carry or parent a child, you are still blessed to be alive and be a light to others.
This life can be as wonderful or terrible as you choose. It’s not about what you’re given but what you give. It’s not who you know but who you are. Not the breaths you take but the moments that take them away.
It may all seem very cliche but try it out.
Live a grateful life and spread joy. Don’t chase after things that aren’t part of Gods design. Learn to grow where your planted.
And, for the LOVE, let your kids be kids. There is no joy like that of a child. They’re human, like the rest of us, but childhood doesn’t last forever. You know what can? Memories. Make them good!
Live. Laugh. LOVE💜
Mark 10:14 New International Version (NIV)
14 When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these
Luke 18:17 English Standard Version (ESV)
17 Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.”
