50%

 Grief is the worst. It’s demanding, irritating, ruthless.  It knows no boundaries. It butts into your life. Interrupting perfectly wonderful moments. It steals happiness, holidays, personalities and lives. 

While most days get easier and major episodes of sorrow become farther between, grief never leaves. 

Sometimes it feels like it stalks you, just waiting for the moment to take you down. 

And it does. 

It comes hard. It hits you where it really hurts. Exposing the feelings you try so hard to push down and the parts you try in vain to cover up. It rips your deepest wounds right open, exposing them to what feels like pure acid. Reality is that acid. It comes in right when you feel like youre doing okay. It exposes the façade that you’ve figured out how to navigate this life. 

It’s a reminder that you’re still gone. 

I know that they say the more you loved, the more you grieve. I believe it. 

I try to take all my love for you and wrap it around the sadness and bitterness. I try to make it cover it up so that everything concerning you is good and feels happy and light. 

But I just miss you so much. I want you here with me so badly. I’m so sorry for that pain often taking away from the eternal happiness that your life brought and your memory will always be. 

How is this the 10th Christmas without you? Where did all this time go?

I know. 

It goes by both so fast and so slow it leaves me in a state of constant whiplash. I’m exhausted. 

The highs and lows of life just keep rolling. 

I’m glad they do though. Without those highs and joys and all the love, what would this life even be?

I’m homeschooling your sisters and we’ve been working on fractions. The other day I stared at a circle that was 50% shaded in. I realized that circle is just like my heart…both 1/2 empty and 1/2 full. I sometimes feel so lost without you here, that no matter how many wonderful blessings God sends my way, my “cup” seems to top off at 50%. That has to also mean, as strong and dark as things feel, it can’t drain me more than that 50%. 

I think that’s ok. After almost a decade, I have to stop trying so hard to fight it all. The grief waves just come. Some are stronger than others. Sometimes it seems like I’ll never get back to shore. Other days, I don’t realize my toes are even wet. I guess when I look at it like that, it’s all just a day at the beach. 

You always said “even a rainy day at the beach is better than no day at the beach”, right?

Every day that passes is one closer to Heaven. There’s a constant internal battle between wanting to rush there to you as fast as possible but, somehow, also not wanting to miss a thing here. 

Your sisters aren’t even close to being babies anymore. Your brothers will soon have babies of their own. Wow…you’ll have nieces and nephews. Aunt Aub. You would have been amazing as a big sister and aunt. 

I wish more than anything you were here for it all but I also know that you are right there in Heaven. My time to be with you is coming. 

By Gods grace, we are going to be okay here. 

Soon and very soon, Buggy Girl. 

Mama LOVES you. 

Baby Boy

Today you turn 19. It’s crazy that life happened this fast. One day, you’re running around having to hold up your pants and the next you’re a giant about to be married. 

Wow. Married. In just two days you’ll be a husband. I know you’ll be a good one too. You’ve seen many failed marriages—also great examples of wonderful ones—that you already have a good idea how to do it either way. It’s a constant choice you may every day. I know with God as the head of it, you’ll do just fine. I’ve prayed your entire life for a perfect fit for your wife and I believe Lauren is just that. I couldn’t be happier for you. 

But you’ll always be my baby boy. No amount of years can change that. I look at you and still see those big (almost) black eyes and baby face staring back at me and I want to scoop you up in my arms. I can’t because my back is busted and you’re a foot taller than me...but I want to. 

I am so very proud of the man you have become. You have a huge heart and are just genuinely a good person. You’re smart and funny and kind. Stubborn as a mule but I’ve always said that would take you places in life. (I’m just glad you didn’t become a lawyer after all. You would have had some killer closing arguments though. Haha.)

Enjoy your last year as a teenager (like a 30-year-old version) and your last two days as a “single” man. Just know the real adventure starts when that ring slides on your finger. Married life is gonna be amazing and I can’t wait to see you live it well. 

I love you, baby. Always and forever. 

Mama

Fifteen

My sweet Aubrey Laine. You would be 15 today. 

You turned six the last birthday we celebrated with you, here. It makes me wonder, 9 years later, who would you be? 

You’d be beautiful. That much I know. I have to believe your beautiful heart would still match your beautiful face. 

You were as human as everyone else but you were just so inherently GOOD. 

I know that you would be just as kind and loving as you always were. You always showed that love to everyone you met. You shared the Lord and showed His LOVE and your laughter. 

That light would still shine so bright for all to see. 

Would we fight? A teenage Aub and me as her Mama...Probably. As good as you were, you were still a lot like your Mama. We would inevitably butt heads. Nine more years with your big brothers would have made you tough too. I can only imagine the spitfire you would have become. 

What I wouldn’t give to see you. 

I wonder all the time what our life would have been like if you never left. Where we would live. Where you’d be in school. Who we all would be together. 

Together...(Sigh). 

Our lives have changed so much since you’ve been gone. Your brothers are grown and about to be married. You would have sisters-in-law! What a beautiful junior bridesmaid you would have been. 

Now, you have two little sisters (I have to believe you conducted that deal personally from Heaven...laughing at me all the while.) These two are wild and fun and special in their own ways too. 

And still, I want YOU here. 

Because I miss you so much, I selfishly want you with me. But I know you’re where you are supposed to be. I know that God’s plan was always for you to be with me for the short time I had you. 

I want you here but I am glad you’re in Heaven. I’m happy you were spared from this place...this mean, dark world we are living in.

Never knowing any more hurt or pain or disappointment than you already did. Never going through your own teenage heartbreak or bullying or mean girl drama. No unforeseen evil would come your way. 

I do wish Heaven wasn’t so far away. I wish I could just pop in sometime. Maybe even a FaceTime call? I just want to see my girl. Just to be with you again. 

Every day that I survive here is one closer to you. Most of them are good and I’m grateful to be here. I know how lucky I am. I know that God has given me so much more than I could ever deserve. He continues to do that for all of us. 

I also know that I could never hurt so much, missing you this badly if I never had you to begin with. For that, I am forever grateful. I would take 1,000 years of the pain of missing you in order to have had those 6 years, 2 months and 12 days. 

What an honor to be your Mama. 

Our eternity together is coming. We will all be together again. And with Jesus! Soon and very soon, my precious girl. 

Happy Birthday, Buggy. Mama loves you.