Tonight, after I tucked in my two little girls for the last time this year, I took down all our Christmas decorations and trees. It was a quick and mostly painless task.
I’ve actually been putting it off since Christmas Day. I imagined the same crippling emotions taking over me that usually do.
While I’m a little sad this holiday is over, I realized something.
I am okay.
This is the first year, since losing Aubrey, I readily decorated for Christmas. In fact, my trees were up weeks before Christmas Day. Normally, I wait until the week before, as it’s a miserable job for me. It includes putting up and decorating Aubreys little tree with all her own ornaments. It always hurt so much to do it without her help and knowing she wouldn’t be here to admire it every day.
One early day this December, Christmas music was playing on my radio and I purposely didn’t change the station. It wasn’t angry or annoyed, hearing it. In fact, I sang along and even danced a little. My girls loved it. I loved it! I felt JOY and LOVE. I felt alive again.
Every day we played as much Christmas music as we could and danced our hearts out. It filled my soul with a happiness that hasn’t been there in ages. I was able to celebrate with my girls like I always did with Aubrey. I was no longer the Scrooge Mama that I had been the five years before. I praised Jesus for opening my heart and my eyes.
I know it seems simple for everyone else to get this next lesson. However, for a bereaved parent, it’s not always so easy.
The Lord showed me that Aubrey wasn’t sad that she’s not here for Christmas. She doesn’t miss us. She isn’t sitting around Heaven watching a clock. She is in the most perfect place possible with God and Jesus and all the people she’s ever loved that are fortunate enough to be there with her. Time is not there. Sadness, loneliness, pain, regret don’t exist in Heaven. Will we all rejoice the day we are reunited? I absolutely believe that!! But, until that day, I’m only failing as all my kids’ Mama if I sit around feeling sorry for myself. I’m taking away from the kids who are here by not celebrating the life we have together.
I don’t pretend life without Aubrey will be easy all the time. I may not go an hour after writing this blog post before I fall apart again. I’m human after all. The void will always be there. Part of me will be hurt and sad and forever changed because I lost my child.
What I know now—and will remind myself in every hard time—is that God chose me to be that amazing girl’s Mama. He gave me 6 years, 2 months and 12 days with her here. He loves me so much that he sent His own son to die on the cross. He did that so that we would have LIFE and the promise that, as His children, eternity in Heaven is ours. We will be with God, Jesus and all our loved ones in Heaven forever.
Soon and very soon....
Until then, I plan to live a life full of LOVE and laughter and make memories while I can.
Happy New Year to you all. 💜
