Back The Blue

I almost never started dating my now-husband because he was a cop. Most of what I (thought I) knew about cops was bad. I believed what I saw in movies and on the "news". Now, don't get me wrong...I respected their position and appreciated their dedication to protect and serve their community but I wasn't gonna date one. Even if he was actually a great guy, I would  probably be worried constantly about losing him in the line of duty. 

That stance didn't last long at all. 

I quickly fell for my policeman. He stole my heart and filled my life with love, laughter and helped renew my faith in many things. For nearly four years, he has been my rock and comforter and helped me walk through some of the darkest days of my life. He has taught me lessons about stability, trust, selflessness, sacrifice and endurance and resilience. He is a great husband, father and friend. 

Watching him live his life also taught me a lot about most officers of the law I clearly knew little--to nothing--about. 

These men and women wear a badge that represents more than simply their occupation. They take an oath to protect the lives of people they've never even met. These people often despise them. They believe they're out to get them. They blame them. They try to hurt them. Somehow, our officers fight even for those who fight against them. 

Our officers leave their families at all hours of the day/night after very little, restless sleep. They miss holidays and their family's and friend's life events so that the evil of this world stays that much further away from the rest of us. They don't get to tuck their kids in bed or get them up in the morning so that their community is able to. They patrol the streets so that their neighbors can rest easier in their homes. They save other's lives daily yet they barely get to have one of their own. 

They do all of this with little appreciation or recognition. They're  grossly overworked, underpaid and under appreciated. Generally, only their mistakes are broadcast for the world to see. The ones with hidden agendas make up such a small percentage of officers. Yet, far too often, are they all placed in that category. The media forms--and forces--opinions on the world and fills their heads with lies and only partial truths. 

Rarely do we see reports of officers holding babies or comforting frightened children, breathing life back into someone or mentoring a teenager. 

Some questions I have for all those who are anti-police are:

Where would we be without these men and women sacrificing their lives for us?

Could you do what they do?

Have you ever tried to put yourself in their places?

What if America decided you were exactly like the very worst specimen of human? How would that make you feel?

I could go on forever about the all the injustices our police officers face. 

We have to band together. We need to stand up and get behind the men and women of law enforcement. We should be on our knees, praying for our country and for those who are fighting for us on our own turfs. 

Back The Blue!!

Freedom and Dependence

July 4, 2015, I was sitting in a quarantined hospital room, in Atlanta, Georgia, with my dying premature baby. 

{Back story}

The twins were born June 15. After spending 6 days in our local NICU, Julia started getting very sick and was transported 2+ hours north to a Macon hospital's NICU. Carson, who was healthy but needed a little more time, stayed behind. We traveled back-and-forth between cities for four days. Then, Carson was released and came to Macon with us. 

AJ and I took turns going back-and-forth to the NICU, to be with Julia, and taking care of Carson all within repetitive 30-45 minute preemie feeds in 2-hour feeding increments). 

I was not holding up well. Between trying to recover from a C-section, nursing/pumping for two babies, getting no sleep, postpartum emotions and then there was what I thought was the worst part of all...

It was the same hospital where Aubrey died just three years prior. 

After about two weeks there, Julia developed a severe infection and we were very close to losing her. 

As a last resort, they transported her to an Atlanta hospital with a surgical NICU. 

That night, we settled into yet another strange room in a place that felt so far from home. I was overwhelmed with emotion. I felt beyond helpless. My parents and older kids were hours away. Even with my husband and one daughter with me, I felt more alone than I had since losing Aubrey. 

This was the third child, in three years, laying in a critical care PICU bed. 

In 2012, after a 5-day PICU stay, we lost Aubrey. Then two years later, and another 5-day PICU stay God clearly performed a miracle and Tyler had a complete healing. But, here I was again, (just 15 months later) sitting down in a shower, sobbing, feeling helpless and crying out to God. 

I wanted to run away. I couldn't see how I would face life after losing another child. How would I raise one twin without the other? After all I had been through, why was God putting me in this situation again? Was I a terrible mother? Was I a bad Christian and being punished? Why me?!

Suddenly, I felt God embrace me. It was as if He was holding me and lifting all the weight I was carrying. All the doubt was clearing and I had a clear image of two healthy baby girls. I knew she would be okay. 

That next morning, the Atlanta doctors knew exactly what was wrong with sweet Julia. With tons of medicine, time and our faith God had already healed her, she was going to be just fine. She was a fighter and God was holding her every step of the way...He was holding both of us. 

A few days later, we were back in the Valdosta NICU and our girl was just hanging out and plumping up and getting healthier. 

On July 14, we left that hospital for the last time with TWO car seats occupied. 

Today, we have two wild and perfectly healthy one-year-old girls and life is great. 

I remind myself daily to take in every moment and not to take it for granted. I know all too well that it can all change in a moment. I'm so very far from perfect but I try to keep my heart softened towards God. 

I've been through awful situations and faced the one thing every mother fears more than anything. I know how it feels to hit your knees and beg God to spare your baby. I know what it's like to leave a child in a hospital bed, knowing it would be the last time I'd ever see her this side of Heaven. Thankfully, I also know what it's like to leave with my children, healed by My Father. 

That feeling is the closest thing to freedom I think I've ever physically felt. I'm fully aware that without full dependence of The Lord, that freedom would be impossible. 

I'll leave you with a reminder. God gives us free will to make our own choices. Choose to LIVE for God, to LAUGH and enjoy every bit of the life He gives you and LOVE like you don't have the next minute. 

Today is the day

I guess you could say I'm somewhat of a helicopter parent. I don't hover all the time but I'm definitely careful. I research everything, try to make healthy choices for my kids and am not exactly carefree. 

Something crazy happened to one of the twins this morning. I didn't go into an immediate panic but it hit me later how badly the outcome could have been. I haven't been able to shake it since. 

I lost my oldest daughter at 6 years, 2 months and 2 weeks old. I have friends who have lost their babies during pregnancy, in their first year of life, at 30 and many during the years in between. It's a shock no matter what age your child is or how it happens. 

Recently, multiple children have died in freak accidents and made national headlines. Everyone is talking about all the ways these deaths could have been prevented (including myself). As we all speak these words of judgement, we  know there have been times that our children's lives were spared and not because we are the worlds greatest parent. It simply was not their time. 

My own children have scared me badly multiple times. I have seen the ER more times than I can count. I spent two weeks in two PICU units and 30 days between three NICU units and I lost my first-born daughter at six! This all qualifies me to freely give my advice. Please take it, cling to it and run with it. 

No one wakes up ready to say goodbye to their child. 

No one can prevent every single accident from happening. 

No one knows exactly when our time or our child's time is up. 

Live every moment like its the last one. Dance, sing, play, be silly and live while you still can. Most importantly, LOVE like you'll never be able to again. Believe me, your every memory depends on it.

 

Happy Father's Day, guys

Being a father is something that may not always come naturally and that's okay. A mother (usually) has several months of her children growing inside her to learn to nurture them. Men are generally thrown into the mix and expected to know how to father a child. They also generally get very little credit for how great they are at it. 

A good Daddy loves deeply. He is a natural "fixer" and being unable to breaks his heart. 

But, oh the times he can! A Daddy provides safety and security just by being there. 

 He is able to get on a child's level in a way most Mamas can't. They have a lot of fun with their kids and make memories that will stay with them for a lifetime. 

Then, there are step-fathers. Not only were they not there from the birth of their new children, they came into their lives after a family (including rules, love and memories) had been established. Usually after years of a kid's life that he didn't get to be a part of. 

The most incredible part of it is, like with foster and adoptive parents, they CHOOSE to step in. They choose to accept, love, nurture and PARENT a child that biologically is not theirs. They are willing to take on the challenge but they also open themselves up to loving and being loved by those children. 

What an amazing story God writes through our men. 

I have the best Daddy and the best husband ever. What brave, caring, selfless, wonderful men I am blessed to walk through this crazy life with. I thank God daily for giving them to me and I am especially grateful that my children can call them theirs as well. 

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!! LOVE💜

One Big Year...Two Little Girls

Twenty fingers and twenty toes

Four eyes looking up at me 

Where did the time go?

One brunette, one is blonde

My heart explodes with a love beyond...

I have been a Mama over 16 years. I have seen each baby grow up so quickly. Still, nothing prepared me for how fast this year with the twins would go. It started with exhausting days and sleepless nights of staring at two tiny bodies through incubators in two totally different cities. 

Then, Suddenly, we were celebrating milestones of sitting up, cutting teeth, crawling, talking and taking first steps! Saying "soon they'll be able to ______" became "remember when they couldn't even _____". 

This year has flown by. 

Each milestone was accompanied by a memory of their big sister (and their brothers). As sad as I am that Aubrey wasn't here to watch them grow, I'm now even more grateful for her and the lessons her short, but full, life taught me. I know--more than ever before--to cherish each moment as they come and to be extra thankful for the next. Instead of being mad when someone wakes up in the middle of the night, I was able to purposely breathe them in, hold them even closer and savor the moment. 

These girls were the most perfect, unexpected gift and they have brought us all even closer together. I can see my both of grandmothers in Julia Ann. Carson Laine is Aubrey made over but she also looks so much like her Daddy, my Uncle Steve and her big brothers (and what amazing brothers these girls have). 

God has a way of doing that for us. It's as if he sews little pieces of those that came before us into the fabric that is a new child. Then that child's life becomes a new part of a bigger, always-growing puzzle.  

I have never known such joy and happiness. Before, I thought my heart was at full capacity and couldn't possibly grow. These babies taught me that my heart--and my life--can always expand. Somehow, God loves me so much that He has and will continue to give me more than I could possibly deserve. 

My prayer is that all of my children always know how much we love them. I hope that every year of their life is better than the last. When they're much older and look back, I want their memories to be full of happiness and LOVE. I hope their only disappointments are that there weren't enough hours in a day to love each other enough. I am grateful that the girls will always have each other and a special bond that grows as they do. 

HAPPY 1st BIRTHDAY, girls! We love you more than you'll ever know! 💜💜

                      Carson Laine

                          Julia Ann