Easter

Today, as the rain falls, I'm thinking so much of my girl. Easter was our favorite holiday. 

Her excitement was so evident. I always paid extra attention to her during egg hunts. I'm not sure if I was reliving my favorite childhood events or if I was just storing up memories I never knew I'd need so much for the rest of my life without her. 

I'm glad I didn't know there would only be 6 Easters with my Aubrey Laine. If I had known, I would have stolen the pure innocence of it all. I would have hovered over her and she would've had less fun. Instead, I was able to stay far enough away to capture her joy on camera and in my heart. 

Easter will never be the same for me, without Aubrey. It always falls close to the time we lost her which makes it even harder on my heart. 

But, for the sake of her baby sisters and big brothers, I have to tuck away as much of the pain as possible and be present. 

I remind myself this is the celebration of the day our Savior rose again so that we could live a life undeserved. 

So, here's to six wonderful Easters with Aubrey. 

May today and each Easter to come be a reminder of the One who blessed us with her and the Promise of eternal life with Him (and her). 

LOVE

2006

2007

2008

2009

2010

2011

 

Just. Like. That.

I was reminded today, via Facebook's "On this day" feature, where I was March 21, 2012...four years ago. I was sitting on the bleachers at Cook Middle School watching my oldest son play an incredible middle school baseball game. Normally, all my kids would have been there but Aubrey begged her Daddy to spend the evening with him instead. 

While we cheered on the boys, playing baseball, Aubrey spent the afternoon running around, playing with her cousins and being with her family. It was a regular Wednesday, early Spring afternoon/night. She came back happily filthy and tired, scratching mosquito bites (nothing too concerning on a child in the South) and telling funny stories. 

We all had baths, said prayers and went to sleep as always. 

Nothing about life felt different the next few days. My girl laughed and played like always. She went to school and had a great time in her kindergarten parade through the school halls. 

She ate and slept fine. On the surface, everything was right. 

Inside, the storm was brewing. 

She had a fun-filled day of fishing, family and fun on Saturday. 

Late Saturday afternoon, as it frequently did, Aubrey's head started hurting. She said her stomach wasn't feeling quite right and she was very tired. I chalked it up to her playing in the heat all day and possibly something she had eaten. 

She began to vomit later that night. I helped her bathe and wash her hair and let her soak in the tub a little while. Then, I tucked her into bed. 

Although I checked on her frequently through the night, that was the last time I ever really saw my girl. 

The last time her sweet voice said "I love you, Mama, Goodnight". 

The last time her long, perfect arms wrapped tight around my neck. 

The last time her hand ever squeezed mine back.

I will never forget the smell of her sweet, clean, wet head as I held her that night. 

I will never forget the soft, pitiful way she said goodnight. 

I will never be able to put another child to bed at night without holding my breath--just for just a second--and silently praying they wake up okay the next morning. 

I'm telling you this story because I want you all to really understand that life is unpredictable. One minute you're picking out their pajamas for bed and the next they're gone (or grown). While I pray your (and my other) children live long, happy, healthy lives we are not promised another minute with them. Make each one count. 

For the record, I don't believe what happened to Aubrey was anyone's fault. There's no blaming anyone. I don't believe her death was  preventable. It was simply her time to go live in Heaven. 

I do know that YOU can help prevent other illnesses from happening. Spray your yards for mosquitoes. Protect your families and pets against them every way possible. Clean up and keep standing water from sitting around, outside your homes. 

But above all else, LOVE each other well. Whenever the time comes, that LOVE is all you'll care that you had. Money doesn't last or make you truly happy but a lifetime of memories will. 

Live. Laugh. LOVE 

Do it for me and my Aubrey Laine. 

My Greatest Wish

I've said so many times that I'd give anything to have my sweet Aubrey Laine back here with me. 

What a selfish thought. 

Of course I want my girl. I'm her Mama. My biggest, most undeserved gifts in life have been my children. The joy and laughter and LOVE they have brought me is unmeasurable. 

As mothers, we want the very best for our children. We also want to protect them from all harm. We never want them to feel pain. We never want them to be sad. We don't want them to endure heartache. We want to spare them from all things unpleasant. 

Despite all our valiant efforts, we know this just isn't possible. 

Saturday night, March 24, 2012, I put my barely six-year-old daughter to sleep. That next morning, as I opened the door to her bedroom, the world as I knew it stopped spinning. My greatest fear was playing out right before my eyes.

I was helpless.

I couldn't save her. 

I cannot bring her back here. 

Now, I no longer really want to. 

This world is ugly and it gets worse every day. The things children--and people in general--have to endure is unfathomable. There is so much sickness and pain and pure evil. This cannot be the life God made for us. 

It's taken me a very long time to truly realize that what was the worst moment of my life, and all the hardest moments since, was actually the best for my daughter. I know that Jesus was with her every one of her last moments here. I know without a doubt that when she said goodbye to her Mama and this life, she entered her eternal life in Heaven. 

My greatest wishes for Aubrey have come true. She will always be protected. She will never again feel pain. She will never again be sad. Her heart will never again ache. Nothing in her eternal life in Heaven will be the least bit unpleasant. 

One day, when my time on earth is complete, I will get to join her and all those that went before me. Every single ounce of pain I carried for so long will no longer exist. In that moment, it will all have been worth it. What a perfect day that will be. 

Soon and very soon...