A year ago it was confirmed. What I thought was my second biggest fear (after losing a child) was really happening. I was scared, but excited to be pregnant again...with twins...that much was known. I had been secretly bargaining with God. I told Him things like "I can handle having another baby...just not two."
When I found out it was in fact twins, I changed my deal. "God, I can handle twins but please, not girls. My heart can't deal with that."
I started having that internal gut "girl feeling" and started saying "okay, God. I hear you. I'll do one girl...but not two!"
I have to believe that God has a great sense of humor. I also think He gets especially tickled when we try to make deals with Him and control our own lives.
At about 15 weeks, we had an ultrasound at one of those local places that you go for an early gender reveal or 3D images. My family was there and my in-laws were watching via face time. Everyone reacted well and there was much laughter. I was silent. I couldn't rejoice. I couldn't even fake it.
I was furious. I acted like a child who hadn't gotten her way. I told my close friends the news and was even more mad when they congratulated me. I got home and went in my bathroom and sobbed. I was a wreck.
It wasn't just because I was dreading the future emotional drama, the endless wardrobe requirements, ballet, everything "girlie" filled with pink and glitter. It wasn't just because I adore everything about raising boys. It was much deeper and I couldn't say it out loud. Not yet.
When my husband got in bed that night I finally let it all come pouring out. Things I had never been able to say flowed out of me uncontrollably. It was ugly and scary and I'm sure he wasn't prepared but it had to happen.
I had buried my daughter less than 3 years before that. My heart, for my own protection, had closed itself off to living life with a daughter.
We have my step-daughter every other weekend and to say it's emotionally difficult for me would be an understatement. I love her but honestly, it's usually at arms length. (I'm sure that sounds awful to anyone who has never lost a child. I'm sorry for those of you that understand this pain first-hand.) I do my very best but I fall very short of being a wonderful step-mother (or wife, mother, friend, etc).
Nothing can replace a child and in no way does a bereaved parent want anything to even come close. Generally, we try to preserve their memory, their rooms, their belongings. We don't want anything or anyone touching them.
It's so frustrating to know how many people said things that insinuated (and many more have thought, I'm sure) that these girls would replace Aubrey.
I have a dear friend who lost her baby boy in a tragic accident and later became pregnant. I remember her telling me, when she found out she was having a girl, she was relieved because she "couldn't imagine her new baby wearing her son's hand-me-downs". Those words have played in my head since the moment we started trying to have another baby.
It was a lengthy, difficult process for me accepting and embracing having two girls. Growing inside of me in a place that last held my sweet Aubrey Laine. My pregnancy became complicated and I started having to physically fight to keep these girls healthy and inside as long as possible. Somewhere in that fight to keep them, I developed an intense love for them I wasn't able to recognize earlier. The last week of pregnancy was one of the hardest times of my life. In the hospital, I fought and prayed and obeyed every rule the doctors gave me. I endured more physical pain and stress than ever before. My body pushed to get them out and the medicine (and my strong will) forced them in. There was also an emotional struggle I was not prepared for.
After 5-days of constant labor and dual-method deliveries our girls were here and then quickly gone. In that moment of seeing them taken away, I WANTED them. I NEEDED them. They were MY baby girls and I never wanted to be separated from them. Fast forward through one 10-day NICU stay and one 30-day-long stay (including three separate NICUs and cities), our girls were both home with us and our new family had officially started.
Every day of this new life has been an adventure. There are challenges and milestones and joys and tears. My heart has grown in ways that I cannot explain. I have also had to fight a very strong desire to close the doors and never leave (both physically and emotionally).
I'm trying to live and raise these girls with joy and LOVE, while planning their futures, yet still mourning the past. I have to do my best to not live in fear of losing them. I have to keep Aubrey's memory alive and teach them all about her.
It's a process. It has made me depend on God in a way I haven't before. While I know I cannot control my life or bargain with Him, I will let you in on a little secret. He allowed one of my petty requests to come true. I asked Him (if I HAD to have girls) if just one could look like Aubrey....
LOVE💜
