Twenty Years

When I was not quite twenty years old, I became a mother to the most beautiful, perfect child God had ever created (up to that point). He was a blessing from the day he was born. 

He was an easy child and a true delight. 

He loved working and playing outside, fishing, everything about tractors, and was good at most everything he tried, especially sports. 

He was never a fan of school but could take apart and put back together most anything he could get his hands on. 

He broke some bones, got many stitches and kept me worried all the time. 

Over the years, I believe he has taught me far more than I tried to teach him. He has endured more disappointment and heartache than anyone ever should have to. Through all of it, he has maintained a close relationship with God and is a great example. Being headstrong has made him a good leader. If he falls, he picks himself up and keeps marching on. When one thing doesn’t work, he makes a new way. There’s no stopping this boy. 

I love his sense of humor and he always has a huge smile in his face. 

He will argue until you want to ring his neck but even then, he’s hard not to love. 

Somehow, two decades have passed. My first-born baby boy is twenty years old. That seems impossible and I don’t really like it, but it’s also exciting. I am excited to see what his future holds. 

I prayed for everyday of his childhood and teenage years. 

I prayed for his upcoming adult life (and wife) for twenty consecutive years. 

The time has come where he’s pretty much an adult. While I hope he allows me to always be a part of his life, it’s his to control and live out. I’m confident in his ability to stay on the right path and I believe he will always keep the Lord right beside him. 

There are so many blessings still to come! 

I will forever thank God for allowing me to be his Mama. 

Happy 20th Birthday, Tyler!! I LOVE you!!

Dear newly-bereaved parent

Dear newly-bereaved parent,








I’m not going to welcome you because your joining this club doesn’t bring me pleasure. I am not glad that you are here. I wouldn’t wish this permanently assigned seat on my worst enemy. However, no matter how much I don’t want to share this club with you, I can’t discontinue your membership… or my own.




I have now been a member for 2,625 days. That’s the last time I looked into the big brown eyes of my baby girl. The last time that we shared a laugh, a meal, a song, a day together. The last “goodnight, Mama. I love you” I ever heard her say.

Hearing stories like mine used to make you sad because you couldn’t fathom being where I am. You have said things like “I could never survive a life without my child”.




I said that too.




Who could?

You can. You will. You know you really don’t have a choice.

Still, this isn’t me telling you to put a smile on your face and march forward. It isn’t going to be easy.

Grief is an ocean and you’ll forever be stranded out in the middle of it. You have to ride it’s waves and survive the storms. Some days you’ll feel you’re barely keeping your nose above the surface. You’ll beg to have it swallow you whole so you don’t have to tread the pain anymore.




But the strangest thing will happen one day. You’re still out there in deep, dark open water but they’re calm seas and you know you’re okay. You’re floating without having to try so hard. You can look around you and see the beauty of it all. Sunrises, rainbows, sunsets.

Funny thing is, sometimes we fail to see the true beauty and wonder of life unless we are put in an uncomfortable (seemingly impossible or devastating) place.




I don’t know if God takes our children away for the purpose of drawing us--and others--closer to Him.




I know in the past 7 years and 2+ months without Aubrey I have felt many emotions towards God.




I have drawn closer, fallen on my knees and worshipped Him more than ever before in my life.




I have begged and pleaded for Him to take me so I could stop suffering and be with her.




I have also pounded my fists and screamed and hissed out horrible things to the Heavens.

I felt extreme guilt about that until I realized He created every part of me. He knew my story before it began. He knew exactly how I would react in every situation of my life. Through all that, He loves me unconditionally.

I’m human. I want Aubrey back here with me every day but I’m her Mama and I want what’s best for her. I know nothing could be better than Heaven. There is no pain or sickness or separation or pressure. She is free and perfect and there isnt a clock ticking like there is here. I may live another 60 years on Earth, but when I get to her in Heaven, it will be like no time has passed. She never has to feel the pain of missing anyone she loves.

I say all this so you understand I’m no expert. I survive day-to-day. Some days are wonderful and I remember to be thankful for all the time I had with my child who isn’t here and pray for more time with those who are. Other days I think I hate life and everyone in it. It’s a battle. Sometimes its a simple choice. Some days seem to choose for us, good or bad.

You may not want to but you too will survive this.

All we can do is try to live the best life every day you have left. Encourage others to do the same. Remind everyone around you how precious their time is, especially with their children.

In all things, actively remember our child. Make sure the world does too.

Don’t ever let anyone tell you to “get over it” or “it’s time to move on”. That isn’t going to happen.




Do your best. Ask for help. Lean on people.




Speak your child’s name! Tell their stories and keep their memory alive.

Remember, you hurt so deeply because you LOVE so deeply and that will always be a perfect gift. The LOVE you shared with your child is worth every moment of pain you will endure. I wouldn't trade a second. Whether you had one minute or 65 years together, you are blessed to be your child’s parent.




God choose you!

Live, laugh and LOVE in honor of the life your child lived and know that you will see them again. Soon and very soon...

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