Dying Little Deaths

I realized haven't written in a little while. That’s because I've been dying. Now, don't be too concerned. What I mean is, I've been dying the small death of disappointment.
We spend our entire lives doing this. We make plans and dream up things and sometimes they just don't happen. Life does not always go the way we want.
There are big disappointments, like learning that you can't have children, losing your home or job, being diagnosed with a terminal illness, losing a loved one.
Smaller issues are those like failing a test, experiencing a break up, not being promoted, etc.
No matter the magnitude of a disappointment, they can have major effects on us. What I've learned is that it's how we react that matters most.
Believe me, I have died some fairly big deaths in my time (failed marriages, the loss of a child, personal illness). I have screamed out at God more times than I care to admit. You see, I like to be in control. I like to make decisions and try to run things. I have always had plans for my life…good plans. I planned a simple, happy life with solid marriages and perfect, healthy children and a long life watching them grow up and have grandchildren. For whatever reason, (probably because I put MY hands all over it and tried to do things MY way) that dream did not turn out as I had planned. Life is different now. I am learning to cope and move on and understand that sometimes the disappointments in life set us up for bigger things. They allow us to change and grow and be closer to God and the life we were meant to live.
God knows our hopes and dreams. He knows the plans we make and why we feel what we feel. I believe it's healthy to mourn whatever your loss may be: BIG or small. It's natural to be upset when things just don't go our way. But we have to take some time to be sad and then MOVE ON. Know that there's a reason for everything. The bible tells is that "In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps." (Proverbs 16:9) and "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans." (16:3)
From the time God created us, our lives were already mapped out. Certainly, we as sinners (and over-thinkers and “fixers”) mess His plans up. We halt the journey and take detours. We somehow decide that we know what’s best and veer away from His clear path. We all have to learn (and I'm preaching to myself here) to take our hands off the wheel and let Him have control. Just as two people can't drive one car at the same time, our lives cannot have two leaders. We must trust God to take care of us and steer us through the life He planned for us.
I know I will struggle with this every day of my life. Maybe it’s my personality or maybe it’s just human nature. Somehow, I think that adds to the beauty of our relationship with God. He knows what a struggle it is to let Him guide us. So, dance the dance of life but—in all things—let God take the lead.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

SLOW DOWN!!

Life is so busy. Everyday seems more hectic than the last. However, when your going (what feels like) 100 mph, looking straight ahead of you, I urge you do try something new. 

Slow down and look down. Those little (or not-so-little) people you love with all your heart are waiting. They are racing around, likely dragging behind you and all they want is your attention...your LOVE. So, cherish every single minute you can. I know better than anyone, you never know when that moment is your last. 

Take the time to tuck them in their beds and read stories and say bedtime prayers. Please! Take the time to give your children all they really desire from you...your time.

When you're driving in your car, take the time to look around and discuss what you see. The amazing sky is a perfect place to start. Let it give you an opportunity to talk about God and all His creations. Catch up with your kids and see what's happening in their lives. They are important!

Take pictures. In fact, take tons more than you ever think youl'll need. One day, those silly snapshots will just be a memory. When your kids have grown up and moved away, you will be so happy to have them. When your children have children, what fun it will be to compare them! One day, we will not be here and our children will not likely remember what we bought them or how fancy our job title is. What they will remember is laughter and adventure and the things that make family great. They will not remember how amazing it was to get to bed on time or follow a perfectly strict schedule or have the correctly balanced meal 7 days a week. Laughter and LOVE is what they remember best. Give it to them, today!

Daddy/Daughter Dance Thoughts

It's that time again. The Father/Daughter dance is upon us. All around town, there are salons full of excited girls of all ages having their hair and nails done. Mamas everywhere are running around looking for cardigans and tights and shoes to match their baby girl's dresses. There are restaurant reservations being made and little flower corsages getting picked up. The excitement is palpable. 

The event is pretty magical for Daddies and Daughters alike. It's a chance to step out of comfort zones and break out into dance moves that haven't been used in quite some time. It's like the daddy/daughter tea parties held secretly in your own home suddenly explodes into a very public setting but nobody cares. Every man  there cares about only one thing: the happiness it brings his little girl. Looking around that room, there are smiles and giggles in great abundance. Yes, it's a magical night. 

Aubrey loved those dances. She was so proud to walk into that room on her Daddy's arm with her Mama and Papa right behind them. She danced with her daddy and her friends and had a ball. Although I was not as good of a date for my Daddy (due to my weird social phobia and awkwardness along with zero--sober--dance moves). However, watching my little girl soak up the moment was all I cared about. 

Such sweet memories. 

While these nights bring such joy to so many, it is a source of deep pain for others. There are daddies without their daughters and daughters without their daddies. There are Mamas, like me, who will just try to keep breathing until it's all over. 

Just one more day...

Seeing all the Facebook pictures are so bittersweet. While I'm happy for the daddy/daughter duos (like my own husband and his precious little girl), it also breaks my heart. I want Aubrey here. I want the craziness of trying to get the perfect outfit together and fix her hair. I'd love to see the reaction of her Daddy opening the door and seeing her all fixed up and ready for him...for their big night. I want HER pictures and her description of their big night out. I want NEW memories and future plans for more magical dances. All I have is the past. 

So, tonight and always, remember those who are without their loved ones. Parents: in all the hectic craziness of primping and trying to make every detail perfect, remember to savor each moment. Daddies: enjoy this opportunity and break out of your shell. Check your pride at the door and get silly on that dance floor. For both you and your daughter, you're creating a lasting memory...your perfect legacy. Nothing matters more than the happiness of your little girl. Show the world how proud you are of your God-given gift. 

One day it will all be but a memory. Make it the best one ever. LOVE 💜

The Battle

Do you know the feeling you get when you've forgotten something? When you've gone over your lists or checked your backseat more than twice but you just have that nagging feeling something didn't get done? 

How about that dreadful, weighted feeling of sadness that's in everything? Like a great bout of laughter that's interrupted by an immediate, sad sigh of regret. It's like trying to inflate a balloon that has this small hole in it. While it's possible to keep it partially inflated, it's never gets all the way filled. 

This is what it's like to be a grieving parent. To walk around this world with a piece of you missing. With a big gap between what is and what is not...what used to be and never will be again. Your brain is constantly trying to overcome the heavy fog. Your heart tries to overpower a sadness that is an impossible opponent. 

Grief is like a disease. It's a terminal diagnosis. It stays with you forever.  It makes the most capable, sane person feel completely crazy. It brings fears and irrational thoughts and behavior of which no one would think themselves to be capable. 

The problem with grief is that it is an invisible mask we wear. To the naked eye, bereaved parents, widows, orphans are just like everyone else. 

We aren't. 

We fight a constant battle--every single day--just to function and to survive this life without our loved ones. 

Please...I beg you...have mercy and compassion. For the person you see before you is merely a shell of who we once were. Be patient.  Be kind. 

Remember, everyone you meet is fighting a battle that may be invisible to others. Problems seem small to you but, for that person, it is their war. 

LOVE big and be the change in the world you want to see. A simple smile can change a life. A kind word is like medicine to the soul. One day, you'll be nothing more than a memory. Make it a good one. 

Live...laugh...LOVE 💜

Aub LOVE

Soon after losing Aubrey, some amazing ladies contacted me from the school. Every year the Kindergarten class puts on a Fairytale Ball.
I had been a part of this four years before with my middle son, Caton. It was a lot of fun. Boys dressed as knights or super heros and girls were mostly princesses. They had a parade around the halls of the school and settled into the gym which was decorated and full of fun games, dancing, food and bounce houses.
She told me this year, they decided to honor Aubrey and make it "The Princess Aubrey Fairytale Ball". I was so shocked and amazed that they would do such a thing. I knew my girl was giggling in Heaven at the thought of all those people remembering her and showing such LOVE.

They made these purple t-shirts for all of the Kindergarden kids (and our family). The front of the shirt had a heart Aubrey had drawn with her picture inside. The heart design came from a picture Aubrey drew me with her name inside of a heart. I sent it to my good friend who happens to be an amazing artist and design genius. He polished it up for me and we came up with our first t-shirt design. We sold them and the profits went to the Cystic Fibrosis Research fund (in honor of my neice and also a best friend). We also made car decals, tattoos and bracelets along with two other t-shirt designs. I was a able to donate nearly $2,000 from those sales to CF. 
The best part, other than the donation, is seeing those stickers on cars all over and people wearing the shirts. Those Aub hearts have gone all around the world and it does this Mama's heart good to see them (in person or via picture).

A family member (and long-time teacher and counselor) wanted to do something to help the students closest to Aubrey heal and also promote education. Aubrey's favorite book was "The Giving Tree". So, he had some sent to the school with a sticker inside that to remind them all why they have the book. 

My prayer is that the book will serve them for many years and generations and remind them of my girl who never got to grow older with them. I hope it stays with them throughout their lives and teaches them to live well and LOVE big! I know she implanted that in so many hearts and for that, I am thankful.

The New Sky

Aubrey had to go through some tests for her reflux, in Macon, on March 15, 2012. Because her appointment was early and construction was bad on the roads, she and I drove up there, the afternoon before. We stopped in one of those Plantation shops on an exit about 45 minutes into our trip for a bathroom break. She wanted some candy so we set out to find some for under $1 (we were on a pretty tight budget). After many minutes of looking, she was very disappointed to learn there was no such thing in a store like that. The sales girl saw us and decided to show Aub a giant gummy aligator. Aubrey sadly read the price tag out loud: "$3.95...UGH!". The look on her face broke my heart and I decided to break the rules "just this once". I will never forget the joy (or the rib-breaking hug she gave) over that $4 gummy alligator. It made a lasting impression that will never leave this Mama.

Sometimes you have to break the rules, make exceptions and create memories that will forever prove to be priceless.


When we got back on the busy interstate, it was late afternoon, and the sun was setting. I was nervous to be driving on such a busy road, at night, just the two of us. Suddenly, I heard Aubrey gasp and yell "Mama, look at the sky! You have to take a picture NOW!". I tried to argue that it wasn't safe but she insisted. When I finally took my eyes off the road to see for myself, my jaw dropped. She was right. The sky was incredible and I managed to take a slightly blurry picture of a sky scene that could be interpreted many ways.

To me, It looked like the gates of Heaven with God's arms opened wide, accepting us. That started a conversating with my six-year-old baby girl that I had no idea at the time would be so accurate.

Aubrey said "Mama, when I get to Heaven, I'm going to paint the sky. I'll make sunrises and sunsets with every beautiful color and lots of pink and purple. I'll make funny shapes out of the clouds so that you and my boys can watch them going by. And I'll paint the rainbows after a storm for everyone to love".
After clearing my throat several times, I told my girl that it would be a very long time before she went to Heaven and that I would already be there and we could paint the sky together. I remember looking in the rearview mirrow and seeing her smile but shaking her head in disagreement, clearly knowing more than her Mama. It still haunts me that she knew.


Since losing Aubrey, that conversation takes on a new meaning. I study the sky every single day. I see things now that I never noticed before. I admore God's beauty and believe my girl has her own set of paint brushes. My brother-in-law is a song writer in Nashville. After hearing that story, he wrote a song for Aubrey, from my perspective. It, like this blog, is called "Painting Rainbows. Here is the link:
https://www.dropbox.com/s/v80n7a1fo1wtirr/PaintingRainbows.mp3

After hearing Aubrey's story, I receive a steady flow of pictures of the sky, especially sunrises, sunsets and rainbows. Many sweet friends see them as a reminder of God's love and Aubrey's promises to me. I am so grateful for such a beautiful reminder of both. LOVE

Thoughts from the past

Because I started this blog from events that happened nearly two years ago, I thought I'd go back and study some of my old journals and Facebook Notes. It seems, most days, I feel as though I haven't progressed much. However, reading through these, I feel as though I am reading someone else's words or like it's myself in but another life. Maybe that is a positive thing.
Feel free to read some of them:

From September 28, 2012
6 Months Gone
6 months…half a year…26 weeks…184 days. It seems like both an eternity and just a moment since I lost my Aubrey Laine. Days pass so slowly but somehow, weeks and months have flown by so quickly and suddenly, here we are. We hit our first substantial time “marker”…6 months, today. The process seems similar to the way time creeps by during a difficult pregnancy or the infancy of a colicky baby. Knowing, you get through those kinds of hardships because there is a freedom and happiness that is coming at the end of that journey. That’s where the similarity ends.
Life on this path, on my journey, can be much darker, emptier and lonelier. There is much agony in counting the time that has passed since you lived with the amazing, irreplaceable joy that only the life and love of your child can bring. The acceptance that you have a lifetime to get through before you will ever see that child’s face again and experience the greatest joy of all is completely devastating. Knowing you have to survive every single obstacle that comes at you, while dealing with such pain, until your final day feels unachievable.
For me, grief has been an agonizing roller coaster of a ride. There are good days, bad days and all the emotional days in between. Exhausting all efforts to pretend everyday life isn’t eating you alive and that you aren’t slipping further and further away from the person you used to be becomes impossible. Spending restless nights with all the emotions…trying to sort through all the “what-if, how-come and why-me” questions. I will never have the answers to all the questions that pass through my mind constantly. I will never know why God chose to take Aubrey away from me. I have to learn to live with the knowledge that this is my path. Leaving this life, after only 6 years, 2 months and 13 days, was His will for her.
For He is the Great Almighty and we are all but a tiny part of His master plan.
Through all of this, I am learning that we can never fully know the pain people are living with…pain planted deep in their hearts. There are so many hurting people in this world and so many others waiting to judge them. My prayer is for God to show me people as He sees them, as He created them to be. Our lives are but an outward symbol of an inward struggle. Some exteriors may be stronger and thicker than others but we all carry some type of shell. I challenge myself and all of you to open your minds and try to see people with your heart and not simply your opinion. Remember, there is always someone looking back at you.



From December 2012
She's At The Beach

For me, the beach IS Aubrey Laine.
As soon as I feel the sand between my toes, I can feel her all around me.
I take a step into the water and I can hear her sweet giggles and they fill my heart.
The sound of the crashing waves makes me picture her gliding across the water on her boogie board...such a strong, brave girl. 

The smell of the salty air makes me think of her sandy wet hair and how naturally beautiful she was. 

One glance at the sand dunes and I go back in time to photo sessions with all my babies, laughing and playing together.

 
Sitting in the sand, I look up to admire the sky and suddenly she's here, laying beside me, legs crossed, fingers pointing, admiring it with me. 

Birds play on the edge of the water and I think about all the times she tried to figure out who was who, in their little bird family.
Kites fly overhead and I reflect on the freedom she embraced in her short, yet very full, life.

Aubrey was a wild, fun and fearless beach babe and she knew how to get the most out of every beach moment...every single life moment.
Her handprints and footprints are all over Amelia Island...and every inch of my heart and soul.

My Aubrey Laine lives in Heaven, but I can always find her here, at the beach. 



Pieces of my heart
April 20, 2013
How is it a heart can be filled with so many different things? My emotions are from one end of the spectrum to the other. I feel so full of happiness and joy because of all the amazing people in my life.
My life is good and headed in a direction better than I ever even imagined.
It's also so sad and dark and permanently broken in places. I know nothing can ever fill those voids. Whats missing cannot be replaced by anyone or anything. No amount of love or joy or even God can heal that forever-open wound.
It always feels like when things are at their best the bottom falls out and that cold dark heavy pain comes in and attacks. Rarely when I'm prepared does it come.

I imagine the parts of my heart in sections. As each happy chamber fills fuller and fuller, it pushes into that sad part and forces it to spill over. That's when the tears pour from no where. That's when I'm driving somewhere and then realize I'm suddenly sitting in a cemetery, sobbing. That's when all the warmth and security is overtaken by coldness and pain. It takes everything I have to keep breathing. It's a misery I wouldn't wish on anyone. It's a burden I will bare the rest of my life. Everyone that loves me and is brave enough to climb inside this life will forever know this reality.

Thankfully, the largest sections of my heart are the happy ones. When the darkness is here, it is short-lived and replaced by the goodness that comes from my countless blessings.
Yes, it's a bitter/sweet life but I know I'm lucky to live it.

From May 2013
Swinging

Swinging alone, my mind goes way back there.
Sweet Laughter, your giggles, the breeze through your baby hair
I feel your warmth, I smell your skin
What I'd give to be right back there again
Smiling, crying, trying just to breathe
I'm forever determined to keep you here with me.

Reminding myself
June 16, 2013

Tonight, as I try so hard to fall asleep underneath Aubrey's favorite Dora blanket, I'm reminding myself of a few things. Although I'm painfully aware I will never hold my baby girl, this side of Heaven, I was able to do so for 6 amazing years. I know that if I hadn't loved her so much, this pain wouldn't be so deep. So, for that, I am oddly thankful. I also have to tell myself that, although it doesn't change my broken heart, I am fortunate enough to have my two sons and all my loved ones here with me. Yes, I feel sorry for myself and many moments seem unbearable. However, there are other people who hurt so much more and have so much less. While this is a cruel life sentence, I have been blessed with some amazing people who love and support me, even through the ugly and difficult times. For them, I'm forever grateful. Also, while this Aubrey-less life often feels like a miserable eternity, I know that soon and very soon I will hold her again. When that day comes, this will all be a blur and none of it will matter anymore.

So, tonight, I beg for rest. I need long dreams of my baby girl on our "purple beach". Tomorrow, I hope, is another day with a more tolerable and less painful night.
I can do this. I will do this.


Missing You
July 22, 2013

I'd walk through the sand to the edge of the sea
But I'd never have the nerve to let it swallow me.

I stare up at the sky and I ask again "why?"
But the answers just aren't there for me.

So, I lay in my bed, with tears surrounding my head
Yet, when asleep, I'll still long for you.

I'll live and I'll love, I'll laugh and I'll cry and I'll forever miss you Until that day when I die.



Your Favorite Blanket
August 12, 2013

I put away your favorite blanket
From now on I'll do without
It had to happen sometime
Of that there is no doubt
It has covered me for quite some time
Until your scent was erased by mine
I pray I get some sleep
and dream sweet dreams of you
I must find peace but I know
my greatest dream can never come true
For Heaven is your home forever
And one day we'll be there together.
Until that day comes my love
Please watch over Mama from up above



I Am Not Strong
October 7, 2013

I want to be open for a moment due to the messages and comments from so many of you who have been so encouraging during this walk we are on. Thank you all for your prayers, love and support. I appreciate it even more knowing that so many of you are fighting your own tremendous battles. Battles I cannot even comprehend.
I'm happy to know that Aubrey's story helped you reflect on your own lives, love your children even more and just simply appreciate a beautiful rainbow or sunrise/sunset. I'm honored to know that what we have gone through helped lead many to (and back to) the Lord. I'm so happy my baby girl will have even more familiar faces to greet at Heavens gates.

But, on another note, I want to make something very clear. Contrary to what some believe, I AM NOT STRONG...not on my own anyway. I appreciate the opinion that I am but it just isn't true.
I am human. I am a mama who is forced to live life without one of her babies. I struggle every single day. I fail my husband and children, my family and friends constantly. I am far less social. I have stresses and weaknesses and fears that I've never even thought were possible. I lose sleep and have nightmares. I am impatient, rude and short-tempered and I sometimes feel I'm the worlds worst mother, wife, daughter and all-around person.
You may never know what it takes for me to force myself in a place or talk to people or simply smile. The things that trigger my sadness are endless and usually unexpected. I often feel as if I'm in a fog and completely lost. I feel I am just the tired, aged, saddened shell of who I was when my Aubrey was here with me.

I say all this for a couple of reasons.

First, I want to acknowledge that without so much love and support (and patience) from my family and friends--and of course my God--I would honestly be laying in the bed, sobbing and just hoping to die.

Secondly, I want to remind you that most people are usually fighting some inner battle others know little about. Tread lightly and be kinder to everyone than necessary. If you aren't living in it, consider yourself clueless and do anything you can to lighten others' load.

Lastly, I want to help anyone else who is going through the loss of a loved one to know its okay to feel whatever you're feeling. Express yourself. Ask for help. Don't give up and don't give in. Satan would love nothing more than to use our weakness for his benefit. Honor your lost loved one and live each day for them. Some days will be easier than others but know the bad ones will pass and the next will be better.

One sweet day, we will all be reunited and all of this darkness will be gone. We will forever live together rejoicing with our Father in Heaven.
If you don't have a personal relationship with Jesus, I urge you to do so! I want to celebrate there forever with you all!
Thank you for letting me ramble. I wish everyone peace and LOVE