3,652 Days

Today marks ten years since she has been gone.

Ten years. 

An entire decade. 

It feels like it’s been just a few months but also 100 years. 

There were some very dark times in the beginning where I didn’t think it was possible to survive another day without her. I honestly didn’t even want to. 

Trying to navigate in a world without Aubrey seemed impossible. Figuring out how to balance the feelings of joy her brothers’ lives brought and the cruel pain of her death. 

Every laugh was followed with a sigh. Every fun new life moment the boys had was a reminder of all we would never see her experience. 

It was a perpetual tug-of-war. 

It still is. 

As time moved along, the gaping hole

in my heart began to change. Instead of the raw, rough edges, it softened a bit. All the love and life and people that came along attached to that hole and slowly started to fill it in a little. 

It’s still there, but, it’s now a perfectly-formed, Aubrey shaped gap. Not quite as deep and not so dangerously jagged. Nothing can fill it fully, this side of Heaven. Simply put, it’s there—inside of me—because she isn’t here, beside me. 

I will never, ever not want Aub with me. But the more time that passes, the more I can tolerate her absence. The less foreign it becomes. 

I know without a doubt where she is now and who she is with. I know that she’ll be right there in Heaven whenever it’s my time to leave this world. 

That gives me much needed peace. 

Sometimes I wonder why we get so caught up on milestone years. 

1st, 10th, 25th Birthdays, anniversaries and angel-versaries. 

Some are important celebrations of a life still being lived. They can all be as much misery-inducing as they are accomplishments of survival.  I catch myself all the time saying “I can’t believe it’s been ____ years since ____ happened”. 

But really, what does it even matter?

Every moment of every day means as much as that major year marker will. They all count. It takes 365 days to make up one year (sometimes 366). 

You have to either trudge or glide through them all. 

Every weekend had its week. 

Every year had it’s months. 

They’re all just building blocks to a lifetime. 

My child has been gone for 3,652 days. By Gods grace alone, I have survived every single one of them. Some flew by and some dragged on feeling like there was no end in sight. But I woke up and fell asleep for every one of them. Many days, I failed miserable as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend. Luckily, the next day always came so I could aim to be better. 

One day, there will be no more tomorrows. 

No more chances. 

No more YOU.  

When someone comments about how  long you’ve been gone, make sure they want to add just how much you’ve been missed. 

LOVE💜

Sweet Sixteen

Today, my Aubrey Laine would have been Sixteen. It doesn’t seem possible that sixteen years have come and gone since that magical moment she was born. 

The way time both crawls and flies by is hard to comprehend. 

Long days and fast years, I guess. 

My boys are 22 and nearly 20. The girls are 6-1/2. While their lives have flown by, too, it feels different. I suppose when you see someone age, daily, it’s not really a surprise when they do. 

Not having Aub here changes the perspective. While she would have been here celebrating birthdays and milestones, she’s celebrating the perfection of eternity in Heaven. It’s hard to really know what that means and be completely heartbroken at the same time. 

If you would have asked me, in the beginning of this walk with grief, what today would be like, I wouldn’t have believed it. I couldn’t fathom surviving 10 birthdays without Aubrey. Most days were a struggle to get out of bed. While it hasn’t been easy, God has steadily provided me with peace and strength even bigger than the pain. While some moments threatened to kill me, they all passed. Sometimes, I think I’m just a shell of who I was before. In some ways, I’m better, because I can see things in a different light. In a lot of ways, I think I’m just permanently damaged. What I know for sure is it will all be okay. 

Bottom line, this is life. My grief, my pain, my problems are small in the big picture. When you think of this short life on earth vs an eternity in Heaven, it’s just a tiny moment. 

We all have pain and struggles. We all have joy and blessings bigger than we could ever deserve. As long as we look to God for everything, we will survive. When we are down, allow Him to carry the load. When we are up, don’t forget the one who got you there. Be kind to people. No one has a perfect life. Likewise, one is too far down for God to help them back up. 

Be the very best person you can be and when you can’t, let God in. The Bible tells us, He can do all things. Not just the big ones. ALL THINGS!! Let Him all the way in and lead others to Him. We have one job in life and that’s it. 

Make Heaven crowded (but I promise….there’s enough room.)

Aubrey did that. Her entire being was full of joy, LOVE, laughter and light. Everyone that saw her saw His light. She was beyond her years in so many ways and now I know why. God created her and miraculously gave her to me. Her life had a greater purpose and I am so grateful to have had a front row seat. 

I will never pretend I don’t hurt. Grief is with me everyday. I choose to not let that consume me. I try very hard to let that hurt serve its purpose and to step just beyond the pain. I know that the greatest joy lives there. 

Happy Sweet Sixteen, Buggy. I am grateful for every second I had you here. Soon and very soon, baby. 💜