Today marks ten years since she has been gone.
Ten years.
An entire decade.
It feels like it’s been just a few months but also 100 years.
There were some very dark times in the beginning where I didn’t think it was possible to survive another day without her. I honestly didn’t even want to.
Trying to navigate in a world without Aubrey seemed impossible. Figuring out how to balance the feelings of joy her brothers’ lives brought and the cruel pain of her death.
Every laugh was followed with a sigh. Every fun new life moment the boys had was a reminder of all we would never see her experience.
It was a perpetual tug-of-war.
It still is.
As time moved along, the gaping hole
in my heart began to change. Instead of the raw, rough edges, it softened a bit. All the love and life and people that came along attached to that hole and slowly started to fill it in a little.
It’s still there, but, it’s now a perfectly-formed, Aubrey shaped gap. Not quite as deep and not so dangerously jagged. Nothing can fill it fully, this side of Heaven. Simply put, it’s there—inside of me—because she isn’t here, beside me.
I will never, ever not want Aub with me. But the more time that passes, the more I can tolerate her absence. The less foreign it becomes.
I know without a doubt where she is now and who she is with. I know that she’ll be right there in Heaven whenever it’s my time to leave this world.
That gives me much needed peace.
Sometimes I wonder why we get so caught up on milestone years.
1st, 10th, 25th Birthdays, anniversaries and angel-versaries.
Some are important celebrations of a life still being lived. They can all be as much misery-inducing as they are accomplishments of survival. I catch myself all the time saying “I can’t believe it’s been ____ years since ____ happened”.
But really, what does it even matter?
Every moment of every day means as much as that major year marker will. They all count. It takes 365 days to make up one year (sometimes 366).
You have to either trudge or glide through them all.
Every weekend had its week.
Every year had it’s months.
They’re all just building blocks to a lifetime.
My child has been gone for 3,652 days. By Gods grace alone, I have survived every single one of them. Some flew by and some dragged on feeling like there was no end in sight. But I woke up and fell asleep for every one of them. Many days, I failed miserable as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend. Luckily, the next day always came so I could aim to be better.
One day, there will be no more tomorrows.
No more chances.
No more YOU.
When someone comments about how long you’ve been gone, make sure they want to add just how much you’ve been missed.
LOVE💜
