Our Last Day

Two years ago, today, was my last real day with Aubrey.

I was busy that day, preparing a large meal and cleaning the house. Then I was entertaining the family for my mother-in-law's birthday. I thought that day was important but for all the wrong reasons. While the house looked great and the food was delicious and we all had a great time, those are not the things I've thought about and missed every minute of every day since. 

What I vividly remember is looking outside at my six-year-old daughter throughout the day. Laughing, playing, fishing. Watching her jumping on the trampoline and seeing that shiny, straight, brown hair flying everywhere. Hearing her loud, contagious giggles as she went up and down on the see-saw. How every time she reeled in another fish, she'd say "boooys!!" in her sassy, boastful voice and then want to come in and show me. 

Then I remember all too well how pitiful she was when she came inside so sick and needing her Mama. The last time I would ever try to make my last-born child feel better. The very last time tucking her sweet, wet head and little pajama-clad body into bed. The last kisses and "I love you" and "goodnight baby/Mama". That was it. March 24, 2012 was the very last time I heard her sweet voice tell me what I'd give my life to hear again. I'd gladly breathe my last breath to hear just one "I love you, Mama" from her perfect lips. 

I have looked back so many times and just wish I could've known. I don't know that I would want to go through her whole life knowing it would be too short. I wouldn't have let her live life her way...the best way. I think I would've been far too protective and more controlling. I think that would be an even bigger curse than waking up one day and knowing it would be the last. No...that would be bad for everyone. 

What I would have liked is to be able to soak her in, every second of that last day, like I never had before. To be able to tell her every single thing I ever wanted her to know. To hold her so close for hours. I would like to smell her hair and kiss her face, especially on that perfect spot right at the top of her nose. That place where all my nighttime and sick-baby kisses landed. 

I can't go back in time. No one can. So take the time today, tomorrow and everyday and LOVE them like there is no tomorrow. For some of us, there isn't.