As of today, I have survived the same amount of time here without Aubrey Laine as I was blessed to have with her. Six years, 12 days.
How is that even possible?
I’m always aware that each year keeps moving farther away from “the year we lost her”. My every memory recalled...every picture...was either “before or after” Aubrey died. Every anniversary has been felt and kept up with but this new knowledge of the time without her here is significant to me.
When you lose your child—especially at such a young age—you’re aware there was only so much time you had with them. Each event in their life is more important to you. There were 6 birthdays, 6 Christmases, 6 Easters, etc. She enjoyed two years of school and started one year of baseball. She was in two dance recitals. She saw Independence Day fireworks six times. She traveled many places. She had awesome friends and family.
Aubrey Laine lived a great life!
I tried hard to be present and enjoy every moment with her. I was a Mama of three—and human— and I failed often. However I remember the feeling of knowing how important things were to watch and soak up. I’m not sure if it’s because I had two older children and thought she was my last (my baby) or if God just blessed me with that knowledge. Either way, I am so happy He allowed me to live life with her. Six years with Aubrey was so much more than I ever came close to deserving.
Since the minute she became ill, I have wrestled with God and my emotions. I begged Him not to take her from me. I begged Him to take me instead. I begged Him to take all her pain away so she didn’t suffer. I begged Him to allow me to start all over and do better by her. I begged Him to let me go with her and after her.
Since she died, I have gone back-and-forth between thinking I would give anything to have her back here and being thankful she’s in Heaven spending her eternity with Jesus (where I get to be one day too!).
I have a couple of friends who have children living with cancer. (We are all dying so I am addressing it as what they’re living with.) I am familiar with much of what they have to be feeling. We selfishly want them to stay with us. As they are fighting to live and experiencing so much pain we beg God to take it all away but know that may mean losing them. This battle, for parents, never really stops.
Grief is a cancer in itself. It robs you of joy and life and feeling carefree. It feels like it will surely kill you. Yet, in its darkest hours, in its cruelty, it doesn’t. You have to wake up each day and fight to keep your head above its murky waters.
The other side of grief is really a blessing. It forces you to appreciate what you had. It helps you cling to God and allows you to know you will be reunited with Him and your loved ones one day. You can LOVE better because you know what it’s like to lose something irreplaceable. You can (sometimes) look past the small obstacles in life because they’re nothing compared to the greatest pain there is. You’re able to see yourself in a new light knowing you’re stronger than you ever thought possible. You can help others focus on the lives they are blessed to nurture.
We are ALL fatal. Every single life will come to an end. Some will live 100 years and others may not take their first breath.
Each moment is precious.
Each milestone is important.
Every life matters.
Cherish all that you are given and know that it comes from The One that LOVES you more than could ever be measured. None of us deserves any good we are given yet He trusts us with these lives. He wants us to LIVE well...LAUGH often...LOVE big!
