This was my fourth Mother's Day without my girl. They never get any easier. The constant battle between the pure joy of being celebrated by my two sons and the pain of not having my daughter here too. Aubrey was such a good celebrator (of all things) and knew how to make everyone feel so special.
This is my last year ever as a mother of one child in Heaven and two children on Earth. Next year, for this occasion, my two baby girls will be about 10-months-old. I cannot even begin to imagine the emotions that will exist.
There is already this guilt that no amount of sense can override. I know my Aubrey is safe and right where God wants her to be. I know that I have not replaced her with these new babies. I am aware that He gave us these two girls just like all our other children and that they are His gift.
But I am a woman...a Mama.
My heart is always divided and always has been.
Every mother knows the guilt of being stretched between or having to choose where you are and who you're with at some point.
When your kids have ball games at the same time and you're trying to be in two places at once, it pains your heart. "What if I miss their big play?", you think. "What if they think I value their sibling more than them?" These are small examples of what all moms of multiple children go through.
When your child is in Heaven, every day is full of these feelings. You can't let yourself get lost in the grief that your soul tells you to feel because you're afraid of what impact it will have on your living children. You don't want them to ever feel they're less important than your child that was lost too soon.
When you're busy living life and caught up in the joy that comes from those kids, there's a nagging feeling you're forgetting about your child who isn't here.
It's brutal, at best.
I try to constantly remind myself how lucky I am to even have this pull...this struggle. It means that I was privileged enough to be the mother of one amazing child who is no longer with us and two awesome children who still are. Somehow, God loves me enough to bless me with two more children who are on their way.
Motherhood--of all varieties--is the most grueling, gut-wrenching, second-guessing yet amazingly rewarding position we will ever be blessed to hold.
Respect all mothers for what they do. Be thankful for the mother God gave you and take time to show her how much she means to you. If you're unable to mother a child yourself, be a strong role model and example to others.
The rewards are infinite.
LOVE💜
