I just want to be real here. People sometimes need a peek at the nasty, ugly side of a life I pray they never have to live themselves.
I was awake all night trying to block out so much pain and horrific flashbacks of Aubrey's death.
These sleepless nights/nightmares begin happening every year, about this time (this is the week of her birthday). Generally, it starts creeping up just before Thanksgiving and continues to build through Christmas up until her birthday has passed, three weeks later. It's the snowball effect, building size and insurmountable force. The harder I try to fight it, and ignore it, the harder it finally hits me.
It takes an incredible amount of energy to wade through grief, on any given day. It's exhausting. Holidays are the hardest. Everything around you is happy and buzzing and wonderful while you're dragging around a heart that feels like it is 100 pounds of pure pain. The self-torture and guilt make it all worse. You beat yourself up for hurting so badly, retreating from everything, acting out and not being able to share the happy, lightheartedness of those around you. You know life is good. You can feel so delighted one minute and then grief knocks you right back on your knees the next. It's the worse version of tug-of-war you could ever play.
The harder you fight the pain, the bigger it is when it catches up with you. There is no escaping the nasty, monster that is grief. You cannot outrun it. You cannot be so happy in life that it will not find its way to you. No day will ever be so incredibly great that the darkness of night won't still be there.
Likewise, there should never be a low, dark place that some light can't get in.
You MUST learn to allow yourself to feel your way through all of it. There's no moving around it. It has to be waded through. Fighting the bad--and even the good--is in vain.
While it hurts so badly that sometimes I'm convinced I cannot survive, I know that's just not true. As much as I have begged God to allow it to, grief will not kill me.
I always say the bigger the LOVE, the greater the void. To me, that means that this absence and pain is so great because my love for my girl was even greater. I will never stop missing and wanting her just as I will never stop loving her. While her body no longer lives here, her LOVE and spirit always will. You see, love doesn't die. It's in our hearts and our minds...our history and memories and in everything we do. It stays with us forever until we are reunited in Heaven.
Which reminds me of the most important part. Our God. His grace and mercy are immeasurable. He cares about us so much that He allows us to have this LOVE which we couldn't possibly deserve. His love is greater than all else but He gives us the love for and from others also. Family and friends fill our lives with so much to be thankful for. It could never take away grief's pain but it sure helps. If you're still breathing, there is hope and a purpose for your life.
I read an article today that hit me hard. A mother that lost her brand new daughter to anencephaly. She was worried that she wouldn't want to share her with anyone when she was born but something happened in that moment. She said she was proud of her.
That may not resonate with everyone but it hit me hard and took me back to March of 2012, when Aubrey was in the hospital. It reminded me that, through all my pain, I have never felt anything other than extreme pride over my daughter. In life, she was a perfect child full of extraordinary LOVE. She loved everyone and everything she ever saw. She was beaming with the light of God. In death, she saved the lives of three other people through organ donation. Her death also brought people to the Lord, which is the most important way to save a life. I know for a fact that Aubrey's life and death brought families closer together and closer to God. Heaven will be a fuller place because of my girl. Nothing could make me more proud.
God allowed me continued life and renewed love with my sons and, later, new love and life with my husband and our twin daughters. Every day is a blessing and a reminder to live and LOVE more like Aubrey Laine did.
So, you see, there is no absolute
emotion in grieving. There's a happy and sad to it all. It's waves of high highs and rock bottom lows. Some days flow beautifully and some seem impossible to survive. We pace ourselves, knowing this is a life sentence. One day, when my race is complete, God will call me home and my girl will be waiting to welcome her Mama. All the joys and the pains of this life on Earth will be a thing of the past. Eternity is waiting.
Pray for bereaved parents. It's the hardest part of life I could ever imagine. LOVE people well and lift burdens wherever you can. A smile and a supportive ear and shoulder go a long way.
Soon and very soon.....💜
