She's Always Here

My little girl is gone. She is also very much here, all around me. While I can't actually see her or touch her, I can always feel her spirit. I can see the evidence of everything that is her...the life that she lived...everywhere I am. I can even see parts of her in these little baby girls and my sons. 

I have incredible memories that seem to come to life in stories that we tell. All it takes is the smallest thing to remind us and we all begin to talk and laugh about who she was...Who she will always be to us. 

She lived a life full of happiness and wonder and LOVE like I've never known before. 

We keep her here with us in our conversations. Her name can never die. Her imprint on our hearts is permanent. All of us who knew her and were lucky enough to love her and to be loved by her will always have her inside us. 

I am so honored that God chose me to have her. I wasn't punished by her death, I was blessed by her LIFE. 

I may mourn her death but I will always cherish her life above all else. 

The greatest thing of all is that we know we are promised to spend the rest of eternity with her in Heaven. Our relationship with Jesus guarantees it. So while some days seem almost more than we can bare, here without her (and, no, it will never feel fair),  we know we can survive it. 

The end of our story is already written and it is a happy one. We will all be together again. 

Soon and very soon...

The Broken Pair

Most of my family has made it in for Christmas. They travel from out-of-state every year about this time. It's always pretty wonderful. 

My sister's boys are very close in age to my oldest three kids. Our first two are 7 months apart. Our second two are 7 weeks apart and our third two are less than 3 months apart. 

Those weeks/months between their ages and the many miles between their homes were always the only thing that kept them "apart". It would be months between times they saw each other but when they were reunited, it was like no time had passed at all. Now, they have grown many inches; voices have deepened and there's facial hair involved but that bond always stays the same. 

But one very big thing has changed. 

Aubrey isn't here. 

My youngest nephew and Aub were inseparable. I would love to sit back and watch those two play for hours, in their own little world. It was mesmerizing the way they got along. 

And then she left him. 

Today, that SUV pulls in and grown boys pile out, talking nonstop and hugs are passed around. Then, the four oldest boys take off. But the youngest stays behind. It's just him with the adults. His buddy isn't here to play with. She never will be again. No matter how much fun he finds for himself, or how much two little babies may entertain him, he's left alone. I watch him and sometimes have to hold my breath so I don't cry. Inside, my heart breaks for him. It's such a reflection of the way I feel for myself without my girl. 

To know that this will go on every year is indescribable. To know that every year he gets out of that vehicle is one more my girl won't be  waiting for him. 

To see what __-years-old looks like on him and to have to know she is forever 5-years-old (at Christmas) is just too much. She will never again be in the "cousins Christmas picture". She won't have her own special wrapping paper under the tree. Her stocking will hang, empty and alone on the mantle, while all the others are filled and beside its kid. 

I sigh a huge sigh. 

I wipe these eyes and put on my happy, brave face. 

I face the music. 

While it's a beautiful, joyful song, there is one less sweet voice singing it with us.