Another Year

Another year came and went. 365 more days without my girl. I'll never get used to it. I'll never be able to make sense of this new life and all it's constant changing, whether good or bad. 

This past year brought with it so many highs and lows. I've realized, more than ever, what and who matters most to me. I just lost a dear friend at such a young age. He constantly taught me more than I thought I knew about living, laughing and mostly, loving. Add his death to the long list of questions I have for God. 

This coming year will surely be one of the most interesting of my life. To say things will change is a huge under statement. I still mourn my daughters death every minute of every day. It will never go away. However, I'm grateful for Gods plan...especially the part that is bringing us brand new joys I never thought I'd have. I'm grateful for a husband that loves me like I'm unbroken and makes me so happy. I'm grateful for my children who keep me going, happily, and always on my toes. My parents, who are and have always been my rocks and amazing examples of strength and faith. My close friends who have become my family. My God who knows my heart and thoughts and loves me unconditionally. 

I am a lucky woman. Weathered, damaged and hurting but budding with new life and still somehow full of LOVE. That's what stays with me. Aubrey Laine's life gave me LOVE that will never die. LOVE lives forever and carries us through this crazy life. I'm forever grateful to her and for her. 

💜  Happy New Year  💜

Numb

There is no touch--no bond--stronger than that between a mother and her child. 

God creates cells with his or her own DNA and your partial genetics that are a completely unique individual. He places this constantly growing human being, who spends several uncomfortable but wonderful months living inside you. Your own body grows and changes to accommodate them. 

Then there comes a day with indescribable pain when your body brings forth this child. 

Everything stops and there is a joy and release unlike anything else you could ever experience. 

A new life has begun. 

From that day on a part of your heart and soul lives outside of your body and you're no longer your own person. 

When they hurt, you hurt. When they're happy, you're happy. An uncontrollable fit of tears can bring you to your knees in despair. One bout of continuous giggles fuels you for more of life to come. 

One small touch from your child...one hug, feels like it can stop time. 

Then, one day, time really does stop. That precious child, the one you lived for daily, is gone...forever. 

I've become numb. I'm a mere shell. Everything is losing it's color, it's shine, it's life. My private world is dull and muted. 

I'm aware that my heart is beating and lungs repeatedly filling with air. The days come and go. The world hasn't stopped turning but I'm not really here. 

I want to feel the thing that is impossible--the touch of my Aubrey. 

If You Dont Have Something Nice To Say Don't Say Anything At All.

I can't write. I've tried, but I just can't.
For months, now, I've jotted down random thoughts, made some notes and almost written something profound, important or inspiring. There is just nothing there that feels right. It's funny, though, because my brain is about to explode from all the thoughts and feelings I have been trying to process all this time. But, when preparing for writing...nothing comes.
Honestly, I'm afraid that whatever comes out will be dark, depressing or anything but uplifting or encouraging. I'm afraid that what flows from my fingertips will enter into your eyes and dive right into your hearts. I don't want to be responsible for spreading gloom across the world. I don't want to be anyone's reason for sadness, bitterness or anything other than good.
So, I'm not writing right now.
Thank you all who have requested more blog posts. Thank you for your support and encouragement in the past, present and every day of the future. It means the world to me. Know that, while you aren't hearing much from me, I am here...surviving and trying my hardest.

Happy Father's Day

I've had the privilege of raising two boys (and watching dozens of cousins and nephews closely) and it has never ceased to amaze me how wild and fearless they are from the very beginning.

I believe God instills a sense of adventure in little boys so that when they get older, they are brave and able to protect their wives and children from danger...whether its a spider, mouse, snake, thunderstorm, bully or burglar. Men were built to protect their wives and children so that we feel secure in their presence. 

Boys are also notorious for being silly, mischievous and rambunctious. In fact, most men I know never fully grow out of that. Life is tough and we--as women--tend to take things a little too seriously. My daddy, my husband and both of my sons share many of my favorite qualities. Humor and sarcasm are abundant in those around me and usually also saves me from myself. These guys are always readily available to lighten the mood and add to my many laugh lines. 

My Daddy is the most humble man I've ever known. He works harder than he should and believes in helping others and rarely feels the need to take any credit. If ever a Good Samaritan there was, it's him. I've learned so many valuable lessons just by watching him live his life and I am so grateful for every single one. 

Thank you, Jesus, for the funny, brave, strong and humble men throughout my life. 

Today, and always, remember Dear Old Dad. They are too often in the background of our lives, yet are the backbone of the family. They work hard, play hard and are our unspoken heroes...ask most any child. No matter what variety you have (even if he's not around),

none of us would be here without them. Fathers are hugely important. 

I definitely have an incredible daddy but my children are especially lucky. They have a Papa who has never missed a beat throughout their lives (and helped me raise them from babies) and a step-dad, who stepped right in without hesitation and filled the role seamlessly. He is now, without a doubt, their Daddy. 

My heart also goes out to Aubrey's daddy and all the other men in this cruel world who have to wake up each day a lifetime away from their deceased child. It's a deep pain that is unmatched by any other and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Father's Day is both a blessing and a curse for so many. Please pray for them all...today and always. 

Happy Father's Day to all! LOVE💜

Purple "Aubrey Flowers"

Sweet Aubrey,

Everywhere I look purple wildflowers are growing. Their pretty little blooms sway in the breeze and all I can think about is you. I remember the way you always twirled around, dancing and giggling with every step. Your natural beauty was so evident and burned a place in my soul that will never leave me. You were radiant...just perfect. Your light shined so bright that all the world could see. Even those who never met you, know you were special. 

I look at all these pretty flowers that you loved so much (we call them "Aubrey flowers") and think I how magnificent the wildflower fields of Heaven must be. Do you dance with Jesus, surrounded by those purple blooms? Does Big Papa sing to you all?

I desperately want to be there, with you. 

This life--while it's so good and I know I'm blessed to live it--is not full and I'm not whole without you. I force myself to believe that everyday completed is one closer to you but all my heart feels is that it's one more farther away from you. Time is a funny thing. While it flies, it also drags and pulls me further away from normalcy and the person I was when you were here with me. All I want is you. You are the beginning and ending thought of my everyday. I long for the day we are reunited. To hold you in my arms and live again is my dream. Until that dream is real and our eternity together begins, know that Mama is watching the purple flowers dance and longing for you. I love you, my precious girl. Soon.....

The One-Piece Swim Suit

My family and I have spent many summers at the beach. If you know anything about me, you know it's my favorite place to be. When you sink your toes in that warm, white sand, and feel the sun and salty breeze on your skin, your troubles start to fade away. Down there, vacationers all gather together in a place where  not many people know your name. You aren't your profession or status in life. You aren't some tragedy or sad story others know far too much about. Anonymity is a beautiful thing, especially at the beach. 

I am a people watcher. All my life, I've studied people from afar. I like to try to figure out (or create) their personal stories. I watch them interact with their family and friends. I've learned a lot about human behavior and body images from watching total strangers at the beach over the years. 

There are the babies and children who haven't a care in the world. Playing and laughing, knowing their caretakers are right there to protect them from any harm that they really had no clue even existed. Wearing such adorable little ruffled and monogrammed swim suits their mothers had eagerly picked out just for them. 

Their parents, so proud and excited, taking pictures and making precious memories of their beach babies. 

New Mamas struggling to fit back into last year's small swim suits or wearing their new,  "mother-appropriate" larger ones. 

The nearby couples, watching all the fun, who are unknowingly struggling for that perfect family and babies of their own. Those women would proudly wear anything if it meant holding a baby in their arms. 

The teenage girls, with flawless, young bodies, in their tiny bikinis and the teenage boys studying their every intentional move and flip of their hair. 

Also, the awkward ones who don't fit that perfect body image and who are anything but carefree. Their swim suit of choice covers much more and took incredible courage to even put on. 

For many, what you wear to the beach isn't calculated. It's simply a necessity for the elements. Swims easily, tans well, keeps you cool...check.  For others, it's something planned for year-round. Grueling body workouts, shopping and mental anguish. 

Secretly, I always wondered most about the attractive, thin women in one-piece swim suits. Clearly, they have a great figure. It's 100 degrees outside and those suits can be stifling. Why aren't they in a bikini? What are they covering up? 

Never, until now, have I considered that--while physical reasons (scars, tattoos, stretch marks, not perfectly-toned tummies) are usually the culprit--there may be deep emotional wounds behind it all. I know all of this personally now. 

A scar is usually an outward reminder of an internal injury to the body. It's somewhat visible. What happened--the actual injury--is what holds the emotions. Maybe there was a life-altering surgery (childbirth, reproductive surgery, broken bones or cancer). Maybe a car wreck or accident was the cause. In any case, unless you're a young boy, few people like scars or other alterations to their bodies and lives they did not want or expect. 

People have dreams and plans for their lives. Just like a house with a white picket fence is a perfect image for some, a flawless, well-outfitted body and family is for others. While body image may not mean much to you, it definitely does to others. 

I know for me, sitting on the beach in a one-piece swim suit (for the first time since I was a very young girl) has had a huge impact on me emotionally. I am covering things that many have no clue about, both physical and emotional...internal and external. Somehow, beyond all the surface-level issues, this swim suit feels more like a bandage for my heart than a cover-up for my body. I can only imagine that others may feel this way too. 

The swim suit I am referring to is as much a metaphor as it is a real thing. 

Remember, everyone has a story and each of us fights our own inner battle. Don't judge a book by its cover or a beach body by it's swim suit. 

LOVE💙

Our Last Day

Two years ago, today, was my last real day with Aubrey.

I was busy that day, preparing a large meal and cleaning the house. Then I was entertaining the family for my mother-in-law's birthday. I thought that day was important but for all the wrong reasons. While the house looked great and the food was delicious and we all had a great time, those are not the things I've thought about and missed every minute of every day since. 

What I vividly remember is looking outside at my six-year-old daughter throughout the day. Laughing, playing, fishing. Watching her jumping on the trampoline and seeing that shiny, straight, brown hair flying everywhere. Hearing her loud, contagious giggles as she went up and down on the see-saw. How every time she reeled in another fish, she'd say "boooys!!" in her sassy, boastful voice and then want to come in and show me. 

Then I remember all too well how pitiful she was when she came inside so sick and needing her Mama. The last time I would ever try to make my last-born child feel better. The very last time tucking her sweet, wet head and little pajama-clad body into bed. The last kisses and "I love you" and "goodnight baby/Mama". That was it. March 24, 2012 was the very last time I heard her sweet voice tell me what I'd give my life to hear again. I'd gladly breathe my last breath to hear just one "I love you, Mama" from her perfect lips. 

I have looked back so many times and just wish I could've known. I don't know that I would want to go through her whole life knowing it would be too short. I wouldn't have let her live life her way...the best way. I think I would've been far too protective and more controlling. I think that would be an even bigger curse than waking up one day and knowing it would be the last. No...that would be bad for everyone. 

What I would have liked is to be able to soak her in, every second of that last day, like I never had before. To be able to tell her every single thing I ever wanted her to know. To hold her so close for hours. I would like to smell her hair and kiss her face, especially on that perfect spot right at the top of her nose. That place where all my nighttime and sick-baby kisses landed. 

I can't go back in time. No one can. So take the time today, tomorrow and everyday and LOVE them like there is no tomorrow. For some of us, there isn't. 

Mosquitoes: The Devil's Spawn

Just 1 week shy of the 2nd anniversary of Aubrey's death and mosquitoes are starting to swarm. The panic is starting inside of me. I am begging you all to SPRAY YOUR YARDS monthly AND YOUR KIDS every time they go outside and use a thermacell (http://www.thermacell.com/).
This "tiny little insect" KILLS PEOPLE!! It only takes ONE bite from ONE bug.
Encephalitis, West Nile, etc. These are very real diseases and have taken the lives of two people (and countless animals) I personally know, including my precious daughter at just 6-years-old.
DO NOT take risks! Protect yourself and everyone around you. LOVE

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The Darkness

As I sit and watch a nearly cloudless sunset, tears stream down my face. I have to remind myself to breathe. I don't have the option of letting go or disappearing. Life won't let me. No, LOVE won't let me. 

It's crazy how fast things change. That sun was here, shining down and warming the earth all day and now it's gone. I watched it slip behind the tree line so quickly. Now it's getting very dark. The world is growing quiet. No more birds singing or children laughing. The busy buzz of life in the air has stopped. Just a chilly darkness and silence. 

It seems life can go this way. One day, you're basking in the glow of perfection that only your child can bring. The next, it's all fading away and you're left with cold, dark emptiness. 

Nothing eases the pain of losing your child. There is nothing natural about burying your baby (of any age). There isn't even a word for a bereaved parent. A spouse becomes a widow or widower. A child becomes an orphan. What does a parent become? Lost...broken...empty. 

The daily life of a bereaved parent is nothing short of war. It is a complete battle. Grief is something we will never fully overcome. Sure, there will be good times. We will praise God and love others and laugh and enjoy life. However in all things there is a pause, a sigh. There is a chill to every warmth and a bad to every good. I would not wish this void on anyone. No one deserves this kind of pain. 

I try to remind myself that each day that passes is one closer to Heaven. I say "soon and very soon". The truth is, Heaven is so very far away and I know I have a long life to live...a life without my Aubrey Laine. 

Please pray for me and for all the parents who have lost their child. 

March

March is here. Sigh. 

My entire life I have looked forward to this month's arrival. It meant Spring was almost here. It's the month of my birthday. As a child (and a parent), I've always looked forward to enjoying Spring Break and then celebrating Easter (my absolute favorite holiday). March was, by far, my favorite month. 

Then, on March 25, 2012, the darkest week of our lives happened and changed everything. As if losing Aubrey wasn't bad enough, it happened on my birthday. A day normally reserved for my own personal celebration would be no more. That day...the entire month...will forever hold memories of the unimaginable. Celebrating my life seems impossible when it correlates with the death of my daughter. 

As a mother, we are supposed to want the very best for our children. Nothing could be better than Heaven, I know. Aubrey is safe and happy and healthy. She is in the arms of our Heavenly Father. 

But I am here and she is there. I am a Mama without her baby. It is a small death I have to die every single day. Losing Aub was my greatest disappointment. Trying to live a completely happy life...a fully purposeful life...without Aubrey here with me is something I will never achieve. Nothing can ever fill the void that losing my only daughter left inside of me. Her piece of my heart and soul is and will always be hers alone. 

Please keep in mind as you go though your hectic lives that your children are a miracle and a blessing. Parenthood is the hardest job you will ever have. It is also the most rewarding one and a gift that not everyone is lucky enough to have. I pray that none of you ever has to know the pain of losing a child and that your children will live long, healthy lives. Just for me, though, do this one life-altering thing: 

LOVE them as if each moment is your very last. Regardless of the amount of time you have with them, your lives will forever be richer. 

Dying Little Deaths

I realized haven't written in a little while. That’s because I've been dying. Now, don't be too concerned. What I mean is, I've been dying the small death of disappointment.
We spend our entire lives doing this. We make plans and dream up things and sometimes they just don't happen. Life does not always go the way we want.
There are big disappointments, like learning that you can't have children, losing your home or job, being diagnosed with a terminal illness, losing a loved one.
Smaller issues are those like failing a test, experiencing a break up, not being promoted, etc.
No matter the magnitude of a disappointment, they can have major effects on us. What I've learned is that it's how we react that matters most.
Believe me, I have died some fairly big deaths in my time (failed marriages, the loss of a child, personal illness). I have screamed out at God more times than I care to admit. You see, I like to be in control. I like to make decisions and try to run things. I have always had plans for my life…good plans. I planned a simple, happy life with solid marriages and perfect, healthy children and a long life watching them grow up and have grandchildren. For whatever reason, (probably because I put MY hands all over it and tried to do things MY way) that dream did not turn out as I had planned. Life is different now. I am learning to cope and move on and understand that sometimes the disappointments in life set us up for bigger things. They allow us to change and grow and be closer to God and the life we were meant to live.
God knows our hopes and dreams. He knows the plans we make and why we feel what we feel. I believe it's healthy to mourn whatever your loss may be: BIG or small. It's natural to be upset when things just don't go our way. But we have to take some time to be sad and then MOVE ON. Know that there's a reason for everything. The bible tells is that "In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps." (Proverbs 16:9) and "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans." (16:3)
From the time God created us, our lives were already mapped out. Certainly, we as sinners (and over-thinkers and “fixers”) mess His plans up. We halt the journey and take detours. We somehow decide that we know what’s best and veer away from His clear path. We all have to learn (and I'm preaching to myself here) to take our hands off the wheel and let Him have control. Just as two people can't drive one car at the same time, our lives cannot have two leaders. We must trust God to take care of us and steer us through the life He planned for us.
I know I will struggle with this every day of my life. Maybe it’s my personality or maybe it’s just human nature. Somehow, I think that adds to the beauty of our relationship with God. He knows what a struggle it is to let Him guide us. So, dance the dance of life but—in all things—let God take the lead.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

SLOW DOWN!!

Life is so busy. Everyday seems more hectic than the last. However, when your going (what feels like) 100 mph, looking straight ahead of you, I urge you do try something new. 

Slow down and look down. Those little (or not-so-little) people you love with all your heart are waiting. They are racing around, likely dragging behind you and all they want is your attention...your LOVE. So, cherish every single minute you can. I know better than anyone, you never know when that moment is your last. 

Take the time to tuck them in their beds and read stories and say bedtime prayers. Please! Take the time to give your children all they really desire from you...your time.

When you're driving in your car, take the time to look around and discuss what you see. The amazing sky is a perfect place to start. Let it give you an opportunity to talk about God and all His creations. Catch up with your kids and see what's happening in their lives. They are important!

Take pictures. In fact, take tons more than you ever think youl'll need. One day, those silly snapshots will just be a memory. When your kids have grown up and moved away, you will be so happy to have them. When your children have children, what fun it will be to compare them! One day, we will not be here and our children will not likely remember what we bought them or how fancy our job title is. What they will remember is laughter and adventure and the things that make family great. They will not remember how amazing it was to get to bed on time or follow a perfectly strict schedule or have the correctly balanced meal 7 days a week. Laughter and LOVE is what they remember best. Give it to them, today!