Five For Christmas

The last Christmas we had with Aubrey, she was five years old. 

That morning, it was just the four of us...Tyler, Caton, Aubrey and me. I remember struggling to try to get the right gifts. To make what little money I had go as far as it could so they could have a decent Christmas.

I made sure to pay attention to each one of their reactions opening their gifts. Their happiness and appreciation for what they got always amazed me. Never any complaints or taking things for granted.  

As much as I purposely soaked it all up, I wish I had done even more to somehow protect the memory. 

Who could have imagined it would be our last Christmas together?

While I treasure every Christmas—every moment—I’ve been blessed with my living children since that one, it’s not always easy. I’m human. I have stress and frustrations like anyone else. Time moves so quickly and it becomes harder to “hold on” to everyone as they grow older. 

This year is the last Christmas morning I’ll ever have with just these four children of mine. My boys will both be married next year. While I am so happy for them both, it’s bitter sweet. They’ll soon start their own family traditions and my house will be just another stop on the family Christmas train, so to speak.

Then there are Carson and Julia. My last babies. They’re five this Christmas and that takes my breath away. Knowing Aubrey was this age when we celebrated our last holiday puts things in a whole new perspective. It helps me enjoy them and all the little things even more. It also fuels the always underlying fear inside of me. 

I beg and plead with God daily to let me have these four children for the rest of my life. I selfishly want to be here and see every milestone, all the birthdays and holidays they have. Isn’t that what all parents want most of all? 

Here’s the bottom line. I know you already know this but let me remind you (and me) again. 

Today is a gift. Tomorrow isn’t promised. 

LOVE the ones God blessed you with as big you can for as long as you can. 

Have fun. Dance the dance. Sing the song. Eat the cake. Buy the shoes. Always apologize quickly and forgive even faster.  Don’t hold grudges. Be a blessing. Lead people to God. Be a better you. 

One day, it will all be just a memory. Make it the best one you can. 

Merry Christmas. Happy New Year. 

LOVE💜

Long days and short years

Long days and short years

My (not-so-little-anymore) girls are about to turn five. How? I have no idea. The past five years have been a blur of wild, crazy, taxing bliss. While it feels like I have weathered 10+ years I think all these facial lines are from constant laughter and not just aging. What a pure joy these two cute, silly monsters are. 

Thinking about these past five years, it hit me. Aubrey was barely six-years-old when we lost her. She was just 15 months older than the girls are now when she died. It seems impossible that is all the time we had with her...6 years, 2 months and 12 days. 

What might I have done different had I known that awful day was coming? Would I have shown more love and grace? Absolutely. Had more patience? Yes! Read her more books, watched kid movies, played outside. For sure!

It’s so easy to lose track of the “little” things in every day living. Feeling frustrated and stretched thin comes with being a parent (an adult, really). We ALL take our blessings for granted. We forget how precious each breath is. Few people believe their time will end soon. No parent can fathom their child not waking up in the morning. To some degree we are all somewhat invincible. 

Until the unthinkable happens. 

I’d be lying if I said I don’t often live in fear. I love God and trust Him with my life but I’m human. I worry. I hover. I question. 

I’ve lost a child and that has made more than a little paranoid sometimes. 

Want the facts? I do not in ANY way deserve these amazing children. I don’t deserve this incredible life or my family or friends. So sometimes it seems like I’m waiting on the other shoe to drop, so to speak. 

No, I don’t believe God punished me by taking Aubrey away. I don’t think I’m cursed or different than anyone else. I do know God made me and knew every moment of my life long before it occurred. 

Still, I am an impossibly imperfect person (also, hello, I’ve become somewhat of a control freak) and worry I’ll lose these gifts. 

Can anyone else relate? 

Here is the deal. None of us can really control things. We aren’t the boss. It is ALL in God’s hands. No amount of good deeds will secure living to a ripe old age. There aren’t enough positive thoughts in this world that will ensure our children outlive us either. Our days are numbered and the plan is all His. 

Really, that should be the most freeing thing ever. What a relief to be able to take our hands off the wheel and actually let Jesus navigate. 

Remember this, if God allows you one day of pregnancy or 80 years with your child you are beyond blessed. If you are never able to carry or parent a child, you are still blessed to be alive and be a light to others. 

This life can be as wonderful or terrible as you choose. It’s not about what you’re given but what you give. It’s not who you know but who you are. Not the breaths you take but the moments that take them away. 

It may all seem very cliche but try it out. 

Live a grateful life and spread joy. Don’t chase after things that aren’t part of Gods design. Learn to grow where your planted. 

And, for the LOVE, let your kids be kids. There is no joy like that of a child. They’re human, like the rest of us, but childhood doesn’t last forever. You know what can? Memories. Make them good!

Live. Laugh. LOVE💜

Mark 10:14 New International Version (NIV)

14 When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these

Luke 18:17 English Standard Version (ESV)

17 Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.”

Four Decades and One Conclusion

Today, I turned 40. No big deal but it made me reflect in a huge way. I thought about every decade before this and where I was in life for each milestone. 

I remember being a silly 10-year-old pondering life. It’s so funny now but it’s still so vivid in my mind. Sitting on a four wheeler staring at the beautiful farm all around me and imagining where my life would go. Little did I know!

At 20, I was married with a baby boy. Absolutely nothing was right but I was still trucking through each day, living for my precious boy. I experienced horrible things I never thought were possible. My faith wavered and I saw some dark days but life moved on and chapters changed. 

At 30, I had been divorced, remarried and re-divorced. I had three children who made every single day worth living. However, irresponsible decisions made for terrible waves of disappointment and heartache for both my children and me. Those three were dragged through every bad decision I made and I will forever regret that. 

Little did I know that in two short years, from that birthday, I would lose my baby girl. 

Absolutely nothing, not any amount of disappointment or heartache prepared me to be jolted for life or the reality of living with such a void. 

Now, I’m 40. My life looks nothing like I planned but I couldn’t imagine it ever being better. 

I have twin girls who keep me laughing and on my toes. 

My husband works 7 days a week, either at his job or breaking his back creating whatever I imagine. He almost never says “no” to my dreams and schemes. 

My sons make me more proud every day. One is Graduating high school and also in college. The other is working hard to take over a business. Both are about to move out on their own and preparing for marriage. They are my pride and joy. 

I spent most of my day working outside and looking around this same beautiful farm I’ve been fortunate enough to live on most of my forty years. I never want to live anywhere else. 

I have family who are friends and friends who are family. 

How can we ever be so arrogant—or lost—to believe for a second we don’t need God? How do we try to manage our own lives?

“Jesus take the wheel”!  

I don’t want it ever again. I have wrecked so many times (literally and figuratively). I do not want to drive this train. I want Him—Only Him—leading my family and me. Forever. 

To relinquish control and sit back and enjoy the ride. Knowing He will never take us where we don’t need to be. He will never wreck us. (He doesn’t even need to ask for directions.)

With God as our savior, protector, our guild through life, we will always be just fine. With His promise of eternal life, I’m calling shotgun!

LOVE🙌🏼