Thoughts from the past

Because I started this blog from events that happened nearly two years ago, I thought I'd go back and study some of my old journals and Facebook Notes. It seems, most days, I feel as though I haven't progressed much. However, reading through these, I feel as though I am reading someone else's words or like it's myself in but another life. Maybe that is a positive thing.
Feel free to read some of them:

From September 28, 2012
6 Months Gone
6 months…half a year…26 weeks…184 days. It seems like both an eternity and just a moment since I lost my Aubrey Laine. Days pass so slowly but somehow, weeks and months have flown by so quickly and suddenly, here we are. We hit our first substantial time “marker”…6 months, today. The process seems similar to the way time creeps by during a difficult pregnancy or the infancy of a colicky baby. Knowing, you get through those kinds of hardships because there is a freedom and happiness that is coming at the end of that journey. That’s where the similarity ends.
Life on this path, on my journey, can be much darker, emptier and lonelier. There is much agony in counting the time that has passed since you lived with the amazing, irreplaceable joy that only the life and love of your child can bring. The acceptance that you have a lifetime to get through before you will ever see that child’s face again and experience the greatest joy of all is completely devastating. Knowing you have to survive every single obstacle that comes at you, while dealing with such pain, until your final day feels unachievable.
For me, grief has been an agonizing roller coaster of a ride. There are good days, bad days and all the emotional days in between. Exhausting all efforts to pretend everyday life isn’t eating you alive and that you aren’t slipping further and further away from the person you used to be becomes impossible. Spending restless nights with all the emotions…trying to sort through all the “what-if, how-come and why-me” questions. I will never have the answers to all the questions that pass through my mind constantly. I will never know why God chose to take Aubrey away from me. I have to learn to live with the knowledge that this is my path. Leaving this life, after only 6 years, 2 months and 13 days, was His will for her.
For He is the Great Almighty and we are all but a tiny part of His master plan.
Through all of this, I am learning that we can never fully know the pain people are living with…pain planted deep in their hearts. There are so many hurting people in this world and so many others waiting to judge them. My prayer is for God to show me people as He sees them, as He created them to be. Our lives are but an outward symbol of an inward struggle. Some exteriors may be stronger and thicker than others but we all carry some type of shell. I challenge myself and all of you to open your minds and try to see people with your heart and not simply your opinion. Remember, there is always someone looking back at you.



From December 2012
She's At The Beach

For me, the beach IS Aubrey Laine.
As soon as I feel the sand between my toes, I can feel her all around me.
I take a step into the water and I can hear her sweet giggles and they fill my heart.
The sound of the crashing waves makes me picture her gliding across the water on her boogie board...such a strong, brave girl. 

The smell of the salty air makes me think of her sandy wet hair and how naturally beautiful she was. 

One glance at the sand dunes and I go back in time to photo sessions with all my babies, laughing and playing together.

 
Sitting in the sand, I look up to admire the sky and suddenly she's here, laying beside me, legs crossed, fingers pointing, admiring it with me. 

Birds play on the edge of the water and I think about all the times she tried to figure out who was who, in their little bird family.
Kites fly overhead and I reflect on the freedom she embraced in her short, yet very full, life.

Aubrey was a wild, fun and fearless beach babe and she knew how to get the most out of every beach moment...every single life moment.
Her handprints and footprints are all over Amelia Island...and every inch of my heart and soul.

My Aubrey Laine lives in Heaven, but I can always find her here, at the beach. 



Pieces of my heart
April 20, 2013
How is it a heart can be filled with so many different things? My emotions are from one end of the spectrum to the other. I feel so full of happiness and joy because of all the amazing people in my life.
My life is good and headed in a direction better than I ever even imagined.
It's also so sad and dark and permanently broken in places. I know nothing can ever fill those voids. Whats missing cannot be replaced by anyone or anything. No amount of love or joy or even God can heal that forever-open wound.
It always feels like when things are at their best the bottom falls out and that cold dark heavy pain comes in and attacks. Rarely when I'm prepared does it come.

I imagine the parts of my heart in sections. As each happy chamber fills fuller and fuller, it pushes into that sad part and forces it to spill over. That's when the tears pour from no where. That's when I'm driving somewhere and then realize I'm suddenly sitting in a cemetery, sobbing. That's when all the warmth and security is overtaken by coldness and pain. It takes everything I have to keep breathing. It's a misery I wouldn't wish on anyone. It's a burden I will bare the rest of my life. Everyone that loves me and is brave enough to climb inside this life will forever know this reality.

Thankfully, the largest sections of my heart are the happy ones. When the darkness is here, it is short-lived and replaced by the goodness that comes from my countless blessings.
Yes, it's a bitter/sweet life but I know I'm lucky to live it.

From May 2013
Swinging

Swinging alone, my mind goes way back there.
Sweet Laughter, your giggles, the breeze through your baby hair
I feel your warmth, I smell your skin
What I'd give to be right back there again
Smiling, crying, trying just to breathe
I'm forever determined to keep you here with me.

Reminding myself
June 16, 2013

Tonight, as I try so hard to fall asleep underneath Aubrey's favorite Dora blanket, I'm reminding myself of a few things. Although I'm painfully aware I will never hold my baby girl, this side of Heaven, I was able to do so for 6 amazing years. I know that if I hadn't loved her so much, this pain wouldn't be so deep. So, for that, I am oddly thankful. I also have to tell myself that, although it doesn't change my broken heart, I am fortunate enough to have my two sons and all my loved ones here with me. Yes, I feel sorry for myself and many moments seem unbearable. However, there are other people who hurt so much more and have so much less. While this is a cruel life sentence, I have been blessed with some amazing people who love and support me, even through the ugly and difficult times. For them, I'm forever grateful. Also, while this Aubrey-less life often feels like a miserable eternity, I know that soon and very soon I will hold her again. When that day comes, this will all be a blur and none of it will matter anymore.

So, tonight, I beg for rest. I need long dreams of my baby girl on our "purple beach". Tomorrow, I hope, is another day with a more tolerable and less painful night.
I can do this. I will do this.


Missing You
July 22, 2013

I'd walk through the sand to the edge of the sea
But I'd never have the nerve to let it swallow me.

I stare up at the sky and I ask again "why?"
But the answers just aren't there for me.

So, I lay in my bed, with tears surrounding my head
Yet, when asleep, I'll still long for you.

I'll live and I'll love, I'll laugh and I'll cry and I'll forever miss you Until that day when I die.



Your Favorite Blanket
August 12, 2013

I put away your favorite blanket
From now on I'll do without
It had to happen sometime
Of that there is no doubt
It has covered me for quite some time
Until your scent was erased by mine
I pray I get some sleep
and dream sweet dreams of you
I must find peace but I know
my greatest dream can never come true
For Heaven is your home forever
And one day we'll be there together.
Until that day comes my love
Please watch over Mama from up above



I Am Not Strong
October 7, 2013

I want to be open for a moment due to the messages and comments from so many of you who have been so encouraging during this walk we are on. Thank you all for your prayers, love and support. I appreciate it even more knowing that so many of you are fighting your own tremendous battles. Battles I cannot even comprehend.
I'm happy to know that Aubrey's story helped you reflect on your own lives, love your children even more and just simply appreciate a beautiful rainbow or sunrise/sunset. I'm honored to know that what we have gone through helped lead many to (and back to) the Lord. I'm so happy my baby girl will have even more familiar faces to greet at Heavens gates.

But, on another note, I want to make something very clear. Contrary to what some believe, I AM NOT STRONG...not on my own anyway. I appreciate the opinion that I am but it just isn't true.
I am human. I am a mama who is forced to live life without one of her babies. I struggle every single day. I fail my husband and children, my family and friends constantly. I am far less social. I have stresses and weaknesses and fears that I've never even thought were possible. I lose sleep and have nightmares. I am impatient, rude and short-tempered and I sometimes feel I'm the worlds worst mother, wife, daughter and all-around person.
You may never know what it takes for me to force myself in a place or talk to people or simply smile. The things that trigger my sadness are endless and usually unexpected. I often feel as if I'm in a fog and completely lost. I feel I am just the tired, aged, saddened shell of who I was when my Aubrey was here with me.

I say all this for a couple of reasons.

First, I want to acknowledge that without so much love and support (and patience) from my family and friends--and of course my God--I would honestly be laying in the bed, sobbing and just hoping to die.

Secondly, I want to remind you that most people are usually fighting some inner battle others know little about. Tread lightly and be kinder to everyone than necessary. If you aren't living in it, consider yourself clueless and do anything you can to lighten others' load.

Lastly, I want to help anyone else who is going through the loss of a loved one to know its okay to feel whatever you're feeling. Express yourself. Ask for help. Don't give up and don't give in. Satan would love nothing more than to use our weakness for his benefit. Honor your lost loved one and live each day for them. Some days will be easier than others but know the bad ones will pass and the next will be better.

One sweet day, we will all be reunited and all of this darkness will be gone. We will forever live together rejoicing with our Father in Heaven.
If you don't have a personal relationship with Jesus, I urge you to do so! I want to celebrate there forever with you all!
Thank you for letting me ramble. I wish everyone peace and LOVE