Fifteen

My sweet Aubrey Laine. You would be 15 today. 

You turned six the last birthday we celebrated with you, here. It makes me wonder, 9 years later, who would you be? 

You’d be beautiful. That much I know. I have to believe your beautiful heart would still match your beautiful face. 

You were as human as everyone else but you were just so inherently GOOD. 

I know that you would be just as kind and loving as you always were. You always showed that love to everyone you met. You shared the Lord and showed His LOVE and your laughter. 

That light would still shine so bright for all to see. 

Would we fight? A teenage Aub and me as her Mama...Probably. As good as you were, you were still a lot like your Mama. We would inevitably butt heads. Nine more years with your big brothers would have made you tough too. I can only imagine the spitfire you would have become. 

What I wouldn’t give to see you. 

I wonder all the time what our life would have been like if you never left. Where we would live. Where you’d be in school. Who we all would be together. 

Together...(Sigh). 

Our lives have changed so much since you’ve been gone. Your brothers are grown and about to be married. You would have sisters-in-law! What a beautiful junior bridesmaid you would have been. 

Now, you have two little sisters (I have to believe you conducted that deal personally from Heaven...laughing at me all the while.) These two are wild and fun and special in their own ways too. 

And still, I want YOU here. 

Because I miss you so much, I selfishly want you with me. But I know you’re where you are supposed to be. I know that God’s plan was always for you to be with me for the short time I had you. 

I want you here but I am glad you’re in Heaven. I’m happy you were spared from this place...this mean, dark world we are living in.

Never knowing any more hurt or pain or disappointment than you already did. Never going through your own teenage heartbreak or bullying or mean girl drama. No unforeseen evil would come your way. 

I do wish Heaven wasn’t so far away. I wish I could just pop in sometime. Maybe even a FaceTime call? I just want to see my girl. Just to be with you again. 

Every day that I survive here is one closer to you. Most of them are good and I’m grateful to be here. I know how lucky I am. I know that God has given me so much more than I could ever deserve. He continues to do that for all of us. 

I also know that I could never hurt so much, missing you this badly if I never had you to begin with. For that, I am forever grateful. I would take 1,000 years of the pain of missing you in order to have had those 6 years, 2 months and 12 days. 

What an honor to be your Mama. 

Our eternity together is coming. We will all be together again. And with Jesus! Soon and very soon, my precious girl. 

Happy Birthday, Buggy. Mama loves you.