The Struggle

People often ask me how how I survive a life where I have outlived my child. I wonder that, myself, frequently. The honest answer is: I do somehow survive but I don't do it well....not at all. 

I cry in the shower, a LOT.  

I cry in the car, whenever I'm alone. 

I cry in bed after my husband falls asleep. 

I cry until I have to force myself to breathe. There's no relief from it. It just never feels better. 

I try to hide the hurt all day and put on my best face but it's just a mask. 

I lose my temper so much faster than I'd like. I have very little patience. I'm negative and grouchy and short...that's just where I am...and it's not fair to those I love. I hate it so much. 

This life as a bereaved mother isn't fair or easy but it's mine to live. It's the weirdest mix of miserable and happy and it's very tolling. 

However, I try to remember that I'm still here so there must be a reason. God didn't answer my prayers, when my sweet girl died, neither to take her place or to take me with her. He wanted me to be here for my boys. He knew my amazing, patient, loving husband would soon come into our life and help lighten the burden. He knew I would be having two more miracle babies and that my story wasn't finished. 

He always knew how this life would play out and I only thought I had a clue. He gives and He takes away and he LOVES us every single second of our lives...even when we are furious at Him and even though we deserve so much less. 

Life, for us all, is a struggle. We all have our stuff. Trust in God and let Him help carry you through. It won't necessarily change how long you live or what you have to go through but it will make a big difference in just how short or long it feels. 

LOVE💜