Just that far away...

My whole life, I've had the privilege of grandparents living close by. My Mama's parents lived less than a mile down the road. My daddy's parents lived even closer, just at the end of our driveway. We were very close. Most of my favorite memories include the four of them. 

For the longest time, I never understood the pain of losing a grandparent. So many friends lost their grandparents when they were young and it was odd to me. I practically grew up in a nursing home and witnessed death frequently but it seemed very distant. It just wasn't something I could relate to. 

Two of my great-grandparents died when I was a child and my great-grandmother lived until I was in my twenties. I come from a family that is blessed with old age. 

When I lost my Aubrey, nearly four years ago, everything changed. My view on life and my opinion of death became somewhat obscured. 

Parents aren't supposed to outlive their children. But grandparents? Great-grandparents? 

Everything felt out of order.

That next March, I lost my Papa. It was like a king had fallen. He was the leader of our family. For me, it was like everything became even more fragile. 

This past September, my grandmama died. It came from out of nowhere and I just wasn't ready to accept it. I crawled farther into my protective shell of grief and haven't come back out yet. 

This morning, we lost Gonza, my Daddy's Mama. She was the matriarch of our family. Although she was 93 and her passing was expected, it still knocked me off my feet. Knowing something is coming doesn't always make it easier to accept. 

Suddenly, it feels like all the pieces are falling down. In less than three years, I went from having four living grandparents to just one. 

Natural? Yes. 

Easy to grasp? No, not for me. 

Death is a part of living. Grieving someone is a part of loving them. I'm grateful to have had all these years with my Papa, Gonza and Grandmama. 

No matter how long I live or what I go through in life, there will always be this part inside me that is a child who wants her grandparents. A child who can run down her driveway, or just down the lane and be there with them. In my heart, they're only that far away...