We will Rejoice!

"This is the day the Lord has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it." 

Psalm 118:24

I went to sleep last night already not wanting to wake up, today. I hoped God would just take me in my sleep so I could escape the enviable pain. I was ready to live in Heaven with my girl. 

When I woke up this morning, I sighed and said aloud, "is it Sunday yet?"

But that didn't last long. 

My sweet baby girls let me know they needed me. They were ready to start their day. It's just Saturday for them. It's a lazy, fun day when they get to see their daddy and brothers. 

The sun is shining and the dogs are barking. Our goats will be here tomorrow and there is a lot happening around the farm. 

I selfishly wanted to wallow in my pain. I wanted to let myself sink deep in the sadness and darkness that lurks deep within me. I wanted to stop fighting this fight of survival. I wanted to not have to put on my brave, happy face and keep functioning. Simply put, I wanted to just die to it all. 

My God knows better than me. He woke me up to a miraculous, undeserved life. He handed me two babies that are proof that He loves me and wants the best for me. He gave me a beautiful, sunny day to keep my spirits lifted. He isn't going to let me die...not yet. He wants me to enjoy this life that He planned out long before I was born. He wants me to see my boys become men and my girls become women. He wants me to teach them about Him and LOVE and their sister. He wants our story to remind parents to cherish each minute with their kids and know that it could be their last. He wants me to LIVE...to LOVE...to rejoice.  

God gave me Aubrey (and of course my other four blessings). I never deserved a single minute with that angel. Nothing qualified me to be the one she called Mama. I am ordinary and unworthy. She was extraordinary and exquisite. She shined like no other. She was like a constant explosion of Gods love. To have been given 6 years, 2 months and 12 days with her was the greatest gift I could ever imagine.  

My heart will never be whole, this side of Heaven. Each day will always be a struggle but I go to sleep each night knowing I am one closer to her, to God and to an eternity in Heaven.

...we will rejoice and be glad...

Happy 10th Birthday, Buggy Girl. 

LOVE💜